Porn To Reach Its Highest Definition Yet In 2014, Make It Feel Like “You’re There”

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Asshole bleachers and pube waxers better step up their games in 2014, because porno is hitting previously unreached heights of high definition. Finally, my spank bank will have the production value of a Planet Earth episode.

According to the Wall Street Journal, pornographic film company Naughty America plans to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to upgrade its shooting to 4K — meaning adult flicks with crisper, clearer, more up-close-and-personal resolution.

How up-close-and-personal are we talking? This porn is starting to sound like James Cameron directing a colonoscopy. Slapping a GoPro on James Deen’s dick isn’t so much innovative as it as awkward. And while seeing a porn star’s vagina that close up in that high of definition might seem hot, the results might be more like this:

Regardless of my own reservations about too clearly seeing genitalia that’s more weathered than Egyptian ruins after millennia of punishing sun and sandstorms, Naughty America believes that the closer customers can get to being there, the more satisfied they’ll be, though presumably Naughty America didn’t take into account that porn customers are never satisfied. Give them an inch and, well, you see where this is going.

“The closer we can come to making it feel like you’re there, the more successful we are,” Hronopoulos said.

The Naughty America executive continued, “We don’t believe we’ve truly done our job until our customers are literally trying to fuck their TVs.”

“Our customers want to get as close to reality as they can get, without reality getting in the way.”

Isn’t the whole point of porn to get as far away from reality as possible? The people whacking it to high-def porn don’t want to be anywhere near their reality. If they wanted their J-O sessions to feel true to life, they’d just have Naughty America convert Tonya Harding’s sex tape to 4K video and set it to a Nickelback soundtrack. No, they want Madison Ivy getting plowed in a school girl outfit, not the Brett Michaels and Pam Anderson home video, if you switched Pam Anderson for a Cracker Barrel waitress.

Other producers, however, seem intent on waiting to see whether 4K takes off among consumers before biting the bullet: one survey showed that 40 percent of those in the adult industry didn’t think the technology would do much for business.

Whether or not the 4K technology takes off, Naughty America has certainly ignored a cardinal rule of porn: never come first.

[via The Verge]

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