Power Ranking The U.S. Presidents Based On Who I’d Want To Party With

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43. Abraham Lincoln

“Honest Abe” was one of the biggest social misfits to ever hold office. Homeboy didn’t drink or smoke, he was deathly afraid to talk to women, and just incredibly awkward in general with no close personal friends. He also wore that ridiculous top hat and hated being called Abe. Fuck that. A terminally ill child showing up to the party in their hospital bed would be less of a buzzkill than Lincoln.

42. Rutherford B. Hayes

When you roll with a girl known as “Lemonade Lucy,” and it has nothing to do with some freaky play in the bedroom, but everything to do with the wildest drink she’ll allow under your own roof, you aren’t high on my contact list.

41. Franklin Pierce

Dude could throw them down, but not in a fun way. Sitting at a cleared-out bar until close as he drunkenly mumbles about his three dead kids doesn’t sound like an ideal way to spend my time.

40. William McKinley

Was not entirely thrilled by the idea of college students drinking. Thus, I’m not entirely thrilled by the idea of casually sipping Dewars and playing Go Fish with McKinley.

39. Millard Fillmore

Lightweight city. Once got tipsy from “moistening his lips” with wine. You’d be taking care of his drunk ass huddled over the toilet before the night really even got started

38. James A. Garfield

The kind of guy to walk into a party and get forcefully removed within two minutes.

37. James K. Polk

His wife wouldn’t let him dance. You can dance if you want to, James. You can leave your wife behind. She also banned him from playing card games. So no “fuck the dealer,” “Kings Cup,” or “Ride the Bus.” Polk was pussy-whipped by just the worst woman imaginable. I bet he’d have to check in with her every twenty minutes or so.

36. Benjamin Harrison

A man of God, not of the devil’s lettuce or jungle juice. Known as the “human iceberg” because he sank others’ enjoyment faster than the Titanic. Yeah, he was such a revolutionary dick, people made references that didn’t even happen yet.

35. Ronald Reagan

I feel like Hollywood Reagan would be much higher on this list, but during his presidency he started the famed war on drugs and set the national minimum drinking age to 21. I’d be uneasy to get weird around Ronnie.

34. Richard Nixon

First off, he was a Quaker. Quakers are just universally strange people. Case in point: Nixon would chauffeur the woman who would eventually become his wife, Pat, when she would go on dates with other guys as he was actively trying to lock her down. I guess the hustle eventually worked, but have a spine for me one time, Dick.

33. Herbert Hoover

Pretty sure the entire country wanted to murder this man during prohibition and the Great Depression, so, for my own safety, he’s out of the entourage.

32. John Quincy Adams

Was apparently the hipster craft beer snob of his time with wine. I’d rather bang my head against a wall for four hours than talk fermented grapes with Quincy.

31. William Howard Taft

Despite his massive, get-stuck-in-bathtub size, Fat Willy wasn’t a big boozer. Heartbreaking. He actually tried to cut out alcohol altogether during his presidency to cut weight. What kind of idiot does that?

30. Calvin Coolidge

Drinking with “Silent Cal” is like sharing the company of a bar stool. He’s more décor than conversationalist.

29. Jimmy Carter

Once arranged for a small glass of white wine to be in his hands during a toast with Soviet leaders during an arms summit to avoid having to drink vodka. I think I’ll pass on a night of chardonnay with Jimmy.

28. John Tyler

This casanova had 15 kids. I’d almost rather listen to Pierce talk about his three dead kids than Tyler keep me up to date on how his platoon of children are doing. Almost.

27. Woodrow Wilson

He was an adamant lover of scotch and unsuccessfully vetoed the Volstead Act, so you know he’s knowledgeable about all the underground, trendy speakeasies around town. I’d probably hit him up on a slow, low-key Wednesday night, but not on the weekends.

26. Zachary Taylor

Would call him John Tyler the entire time. They’re the same fucking person in my mind. Though, Taylor once said, “Stop your nonsense and drink your whiskey” to a fellow U.S. soldier during the Mexican-American War. So that’s badass and all, but I’m still calling him John Tyler throughout the night.

25. Barack Obama

Talking hoops and hitting a bong with Barry wouldn’t be so bad, but the munchies situation at the Obama house has to be bone dry thanks to Michelle. Not really trying to smoke and grub on carrot sticks.

24. Ulysses S. Grant

Ulysses definitely saw some shit during the Civil War and drinking with him might trigger some flashbacks that I’d rather not deal with.

23. Gerald Ford

Talking college football and crushing martinis at a black tie event with Gerry seems like solid night out, but he’d only make you look bad in comparison with the ladies. Former male model and Michigan center? Save some ass for the rest of us, Gerry.

22. James Monroe

Once charged 1,200 bottles of wine from France to his presidential budget under “furniture.” He’d make a great fraternity treasurer.

21. Bill Clinton

Current day Slick Willy is a shell of his former self. Our boy does not look in good health. He’s one good Lewinsky away from being a cadaver.

To be continued.


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