7. Kelly Laden
Freshman year Kelly was reserved, well-mannered, and cute in her own unique way. She ran with an attractive bunch and their company was always welcomed at house functions. Three years and thirty pounds later, and Laden has transformed into a much unwanted chapter ambassador. Her once hindering confidence issues are a thing of the past, and she has derived this irrational sense of self worth from her delusions of being an honorary brother (self-proclaimed). She’s gone on record during several occasions that she wants to pioneer the acceptance of the “mom bod.”
Despite Kelly’s overall enthusiasm for the fraternity, the strong support from her sorority sisters, and dominance in t-shirt sales, there’s just too many hurdles for her to overcome. The girl brothers refer to as “Slimer from Ghostbusters” will not get a single chapter vote.
6. Mindy Weber
It’s no secret Mindy wants nothing to do with the fraternity in general. Her sorority has won the sweetheart title the last three years, and when no one willingly stepped up, this new member was forced to run. This hospitality major has, ironically, been anything but pleasant during the few events she’s actually showed up for. But her icy demeanor and chronic bitch face have only made her more enticing.
There’s just no denying that Mindy is a stone cold fox. Factor in that her boyfriend is in the rival house, and brothers are lining up to take a crack at pressure washing the ol’ quiver bone with Ms. Weber. Not that it would truly help her case. Once someone actually fucks the hate out of this broad, she has no other redeeming qualities.
5. Morgan Martin
Morgan has gone with the tried-and-true strategy of sleeping with as many brothers as humanly possible. She did a little bonestorming with Scotty in the library, some pelvic exercises with Ramirez in the rec center locker room, and has been mushroom stamped by at least 75% of the fraternity in or around the house.
Obviously, she’s a fan favorite and good for club house morale, but the fraternity is now down a pool table after she rode Big Puss’ fat ass through it and a good portion of the chapter’s budget has been reallocated towards penicillin shots. And, if we’re being honest, once she got spin roasted by Costello and Colburn in a Panama City porta potty, Martin lost the very little respect she still had.
4. Olivia Bradley
Little is known about Olivia Bradley. This quirky, quick-witted, petite blonde just showed up to the sweetheart kick-off party, not knowing a single soul there, and announced she was running. Obviously brothers were skeptical at first. She could very well be a trojan horse sent by another fraternity to sabotage the competition. Sounds like something Sigma Pi would do. Those fuckers are still salty about the IM baseball playoffs.
However, Olivia has proven herself in the short time she’s been around. She’s genuinely enjoyable to hangout with, a trait few women possess, and has crushed the athletic challenges. Turning the tug-of-war contest into mud wrestling was a savvy veteran move that did not go unappreciated. With that said, overcoming her lack of experience with the chapter just doesn’t seem feasible. A top 3 finish is the highest her ceiling will go, but even that’s optimistic.
3. Christina Alverez
Passionate, fiery, Latina that’s an absolute bombshell. We’re talking about a girl so far out of every brothers’ league that if someone was actually lucky enough to lay the pipe, it would be considered beastiality. Needless to say, the fraternity uses her as a walking billboard any chance they can so it only makes sense for her to be in the mix. There’s only one problem: she’s bat-shit crazy.
Her cousin, Manny, first brought Christina around the house freshman year, two years ago, and she’s been territorial of the fraternity ever since. Anytime another girl (even those in her sorority) enters the house, she becomes an alley cat, slowly circling around the competition, hissing and preparing to throw down. It’s downright terrifying, not to mention, detrimental to improving sorority relations. Brothers are legitimately afraid that Alverez might “stab a bitch” at any point during this competition. With that said, she has done virtually nothing since announcing her candidacy and fully expects to be handed the sweetheart title. She’s trying to intimate her way up the leaderboard and that won’t sit well with brothers.
2. Abby Silverman
Abby is your classic Jewish American princess. Like every aspect of her life, she plans to buy the competition on daddy’s dime. House improvements have skyrocketed over the last few months. The refrigerator without a door has finally been replaced with a monochromatic stainless steel model, the second floor sinkhole has been patched up, and every room (bathrooms included) has a 60-inch flatscreen mounted on the wall all thanks to Silverman. Let’s not forget the fraternity now owns not one, but two 54-seat party buses, and has a chipping green and in-ground pool in the backyard. If this was any other year, Abby would already be prepping for her sweetheart composite photo.
1. Nicole McDevitt
Nicole is the perennial favorite, and rightfully so. Her and chapter president Zach Cameron have been going strong since junior year of high school, and the first lady has been vital in the success of the fraternity. They’re the power couple of the Greek community and are known as the Underwoods around campus after wheeling and dealing countless backdoor deals for the betterment of the chapter’s pecking order at the university.
She’s gorgeous, caring, has old money roots, constantly pimps out her top-tier sisters, and is beloved by all in the fraternity. This is an absolute open and shut case. McDevitt is running away with the sweetheart crown..