Preparing For A Snowstorm

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If there’s anything to be learned from the past few weeks, it’s that winter weather can be a huge bitch. Polar vortexes, ice storms, and snow in the Deep South are all things we’ve had to deal with. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not really a fan of winter. (I’m much more of a fall guy.) Unfortunately, winter is pretty much unavoidable for most of us. Unless you live in a part of the country that’s warm all year, you’re going to have to face some shitty, cold weather at some point. Were the people of Atlanta prepared for what hit them? Hell no. Two inches of snow is nothing, but they didn’t have the means to deal with it. No plows. No salt trucks. They were fucked from the start. Don’t be like Atlanta. Be ready for the next snowstorm.

Now, right off the bat, you know you’re going to need the essentials to survive. Always make sure you keep a couple bottles of liquor stashed away in reserve. You never know when you’re going to need it. You don’t want to run out. Trust me. Considering liquor stores may be closed, or you may be unable to reach one, you’re definitely going to want to make sure you have enough to last you the duration of the storm. Diversify; don’t just get one type of liquor. Different situations call for different drinks. You have to be able to adapt and beer is crucial. If you don’t have school or work, and you’re snowed in, you’re going to have a lot of downtime. There’s no reason to have to sit there bored when you could be sitting there drinking beer and enjoying yourself. It’s the obvious solution, but sadly, many people often forget it. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail, guys.

Once you’ve got your alcohol covered, you’re ready to cross the next item off of your list: food. According to many scientists, you need to eat to survive. A lot of survival plans will tell you to stock up on canned foods, but not mine. If you know a storm is coming, you have to stock up on food that will sustain you. If you go to the grocery store, you’ll see everyone going for cans of soup, milk, and bread. There’s no reason to be like all those losers. You know what they’re not grabbing? Steaks and burgers. Remember, you need to sustain yourself. Get good food; get meat.

Now it’s time to get down to business. If you’re going to be snowed in, you’re going to need entertainment. Watching Netflix, playing video games, and getting drunk will only get you so far. Make sure you invite some girls over, it’s a really good idea. Everybody loves a little female companionship, and the feeling of impending doom, which you’ll certainly exaggerate, will make them be unable to resist you. That’s just basic science.

Finally, you’re going to need a way to get supplies if you run out. There’s no reason for you to have to danger the icy cold yourself just to restock. Make sure the pledges are around. You never know when you’ll run out of something essential. Those fucks only have one job, and that’s to follow orders. It doesn’t matter if there’s a blizzard outside with 70 knot wind gusts and a wind chill factor of -30, they have to listen. It’s the law. If you need another case of beer, can of dip, or pack of cigarettes, send one of those shitheads down the street to get them. Don’t need anything? Put the fuckers to work cleaning around the house. Just because there’s a snowstorm doesn’t mean you can’t be civilized.

Hopefully, you won’t need to resort to any of this. If you do, make sure you’re ready. Sitting inside, eating ramen, and being sober is for geeds. Don’t be a geed. Be prepared.

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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