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For All You Social Outcasts, A Guide To Pretending To Understand Sports

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This may be blasphemy for a red blooded American man to say, but I’m not a big sports guy. I don’t dislike sports, they’re just not my thing. Because of this, sometimes I feel weird while watching sports with my friends, because I don’t know much about them. So I did a bunch of research and made this guide.

For anyone else that’s not necessarily a sports fan, here’s a guide to pretend you understand them. Separated by sport.

Football

A bunch of dudes with helmets throw around a uniquely shaped ball trying to get it to the other side of the field. Some of them go home and beat their wives but hopefully not all of ‘em. There’s also a lot of tackling, praying, and knee taking during the national anthem. A lot of people seem to hate this fellow, Tom Brady, but I’m not exactly sure why. His wife is super hot, though.

Terms to remember:

Touchdown — they scored points.
Concussion — the name of a Will Smith movie about how these dudes get brain damage.
”If the glove don’t fit you must acquit” — OJ’s glove didn’t fit. It just didn’t.

What to say while watching it to fit in:

“But is (insert player’s name) elite?”

Baseball

Dudes hit a ball with a bat trying to knock it out of the park. They also run around a lot of bases. These dudes chew a lot of dip, spit on the ground a lot, and the pitcher scratches his own testicles obsessively. The most important thing is when you go watch it live because the hot dogs are orgasmically good.

Terms to remember:

Home run — Homeboy knocked the fuck out of the ball.
Grand Slam — A great deal at Denny’s. 2 pancakes, 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon, and 2 pieces of sausage.

What to say while watching it to fit in:

“Does anyone else miss the steroid era?”

Hockey

A bunch of angry Canadian guys ice skate with large sticks and get in fist fights. They’re all trying to get Stanley’s cup. I don’t know who this Stanley fella is but why the hell would you wanna steal his cup? Just buy your own damn cup.

Terms to remember:

Hat trick — When a player scores 3 goals in a single game.
Wayne Gretzky — Lil Wayne’s full name.

What to say while watching it to fit in:

“Hey buddy, you want to go or no? Which shoulder? Okay, good luck man.”

Basketball

A bunch of dudes in shorts dribble an orange ball and try to throw it into a hoop. If you were a kid in the ’90s and you didn’t have a Michael Jordan poster in your room you’re a goddamn sociopath.

Terms to remember:

100 — The Number of points Wilt once scored in a single game and amount of women he slept with on an average Tuesday afternoon.
Space Jam — The greatest movie in the history of civilization.

Things to say while watching it to fit in:

“I’d rather watch James Dolan’s band than the New York Knicks.”

Soccer

A bunch of European dudes kicking a ball back and forth for 90 minutes.

Terms to remember:

Don’t.

What to say while watching it to fit in:

“Fuck this sport.”

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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