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The Pros And Cons Of Single Life

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Every good thing in life is a double edged sword. Even the greatest things in the world are catch 22s — no situation is perfect. This applies to even the cuddliest, warmest, most adorable feeling in the world: love.

Amazing relationships are hard to come by. 93% of girls will cheat on you with Russell Brand, and any girl who won’t is a shiny gem of an angelic human who must be forever cherished. But obviously, no relationship is perfect.

Even OJ Simpson argued with his wife sometimes, and they were arguably the strongest couple ever. A prime example of a loving, healthy relationship. So let’s look at the whole picture and both sides of the coin, because sometimes being single is just a wonderful thing. So what’s better? Being single or committed? Let’s try to figure it out. Here are the pros and cons of single life.

PRO: YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ANYONE YOU WANT

Think about it. The sky is the limit. You now in live in Fucktown, Population: the world. Any girl you see, you can, in theory, give it a shot with. You see that hot chick at the bar? Fuck it, go talk to her. You got nothing to lose. The opportunities are endless. Who the hell cares if you get turned down? You’re fuckin’ invincible, like Superman or David Bowie.

CON: YOU MAY NOT FIND ANYONE WHO WANTS TO FUCK YOU

Let’s be honest, Chaz. Take a look in the mirror. Not just a quick glance so you can convince yourself that your flabby belly is actually a 6 pack. No, be honest with yourself. You’re fat, your awkward scruff makes you look like a hobo, and you smell like a dead pitbull’s ballsack. If you go out there and try to get some poon, you may learn the harsh truth that no one woman EVER wants to be within 200 miles of your 3-inch penis.

PRO: YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT

You and your girlfriend can’t decide on a movie to watch. You wanna watch a MANLY movie like House Party 2, but this boring bitch wants to watch a lame GIRLY movie like House Party 3. That’s a fucking nightmare. Sometimes you and your ol’ lady can’t decide on things. This also applies to restaurants, condom flavors, sock colors, presidential candidates, and which Katy Perry song to listen to while you 69 (she wants to listen to “Firework,” you wanna listen to “California Girls,” SUCH a pain in the ass!).

CON: YOU MIGHT GET LONELY

Sure, you got friends, but after a while they’re gonna get sick of you. Whenever you get so drunk you puke on their girlfriends or try to sing Flo Rida songs, they’re tired of your sociopathic shenanigans. So if you got no buddies and you got no main girl, you’re all alone. That shit is gonna get depressing.

PRO: IT’S A CHANCE TO BE INDEPENDENT

There’s nothing worse than someone whose whole identity is rooted in their relationship. There’s nothing more annoying than a couple that’s attached at the hip. But if you don’t have a significant other, you’re not in danger of that — you can be your own person.

CON: YOU MIGHT LEARN THAT YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONALITY

Some people have the personality of a beige wall. Some people are as fun as watching golf on TV. Is that you? You may learn the hard way that your personality’s about as interesting as watching a movie about paint drying directed by Brett Ratner, and the ONLY thing that would make you slightly more interesting is a dang girlfriend.

PRO: YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND KILLING YOU IN YOUR SLEEP

It takes a lot of trust to just sleep next to someone. You never know what they’ll do. They might tattoo a unicorn dick on your forehead, they might pee on you… The list is limitless. Hell, look at the 60 people who slept around Bill Cosby. It’s just an ugly situation. You can never trust your girl. She might be mad about that fight you guys had last Tuesday and stab you in the throat while you’re unconscious. She might smother you with a pillow or shoot you with a pistol with a silencer on it. Basically, all the things you wanna do to Wally Bryton.

CON: THERE IS STILL A CHANCE THAT SOMEONE MIGHT KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP

Just because you don’t have a girlfriend doesn’t mean that you’re not in danger of being murdered in your bed. Someone might sneak into your house with a creepy mask and stab you while creepy music plays in the background. Charles Manson might escape from prison and round up some of his Manson bitches to trash your place and end your life. Ya never know. So even if you’re single, you still might get murdered in your sleep.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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