I love studies like this. You just know it’s a bunch of dudes that are behind this branch of research, chilling in lab coats all day, shooting the shit, and getting together to brainstorm new ways to convince women to let their freak flags fly.
“So we’ve already swayed public perception into accepting that sucking dick prevents breast cancer. That was fucking brilliant, Johnson.”
“Johnson!” the group shouts in unison.
“But what now? We need the next big break through in making guys’ sex lives better. I’ll open it up to the floor. Feel free to fire out whatever.”
“Come on, don’t be shy.”
“What if we told everyone that being a premature ejaculator makes you a superior man?” mumbles an intern assistant.
“Probably not feasible, but I like where you’re heads at, kid. We’ll keep that in our back pocket.”
[Silence fills the room]
“Anybody? Johnson? You got any more magic simmering in your brain?”
“Well I really hate using condoms.”
“Fuck condoms” clamors the group.
“What if we just tell everyone, I don’t know, that pulling out is essentially the same thing?”
“Johnson, you magnificent bastard. You’ve done it again.”
That’s exactly how I imagine this new groundbreaking data came about.
When practiced perfectly—in other words, when the male partner pulls out before ejaculation during every incidence of vaginal intercourse—only 4 percent of couples who use the pullout method will get pregnant within a year. Imperfect, or typical, use bumps that to 18 percent. (Male condoms failure rates are 2 percent for perfect use and 17 percent for typical.) This is a minor discrepancy, yet pulling out has a reputation for being dangerously cavalier, while condoms are the gold standard of sexual responsibility.
So the next time you take some little biscuit back from the bar and she inquires about whether or not you have a condom, just inform her that you have an equally as safe, and much more enjoyable option. Don’t worry about nonsense like STDs or HIV. If you’re consistently bringing back those type of questionable honeys to your place to begin with, just go ahead and safely assume your junk is more infected than a 17th century newborn Native American infant wrapped in a conquistador’s recently gifted measles blanket. But hey, don’t let that stop you. You’re a shooter, and shooters shoot..