Pumpkin Spice Four Loko Is Here To Make Your Blackouts Taste Like Autumn

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Nice Move

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Because fuck it, why not? Right?

Every fall, middle class white men between the ages of 25 and 65 rush to the store to pick up a six pack of whatever their favorite pumpkin themed beer might be. At the same time, middle class women across America sprint to Starbucks to guzzle Pumpkin Spice Lattes like they’re a breast cancer vaccine. It’s become an autumn tradition in America to turn everything into pumpkin, so much so that one day a whole generation of children will watch “Cinderella”, see the carriage turn back into a pumpkin at midnight, and think, “What’s the big fuckin’ deal? Pumpkin > carriage. All day.” Kids will also be thinking in greater than and less than signs, by the way. Goddamn internet.

But what about those who don’t have the sophistication of middle class suburbanites with relatively uneventful lives? Where’s the pumpkin flavored beverages for America’s high school alcoholics, hobos, and people from state schools in Arizona and Florida? May I present Pumpkin Spice* Four Loko, here to black you the fuck out in a way that says, “I really enjoy the idea of sweaters, and wildly irresponsible life choices.”

Me? I’ll stick to my pumpkin beer, or putting some pumpkin Schnapps in a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Regardless, there was really no reason for Four Loko not to do this, so, uh, enjoy…whoever would enjoy this.

*No actual pumpkins or any objects even remotely close to a pumpkin were used in the spicing of these Four Lokos, probably.

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