Python Escapes Dartmouth Fraternity House, Now Loose On Campusby Roger_Dorn 5 months ago
A ball python escaped its enclosure inside the Tabard House, a coed fraternity on Webster Avenue on the campus of Dartmouth College. Its whereabouts are unknown.
Ball pythons are relatively small, nonpoisonous snakes, reaching about four to five feet in length at maturity. At that size, they feed on small rodents and pose very little threat to cats, dogs, or people. But still, it’s a snake, and it’s the creepiest creature that we share this planet with.
From Valley News:
The python escaped Thursday from its tank at the Tabard House [...] Dartmouth College Safety and Security reached out to Hanover Police on Friday for assistance in locating the missing snake. Police said they think the python may have exited the house through a window, but it’s also a possibility that the snake is still inside the residence.
Oh, hell no.
The way they slither around all creepy like and hide in little nooks and crannies all over the place — there’s not a single thing cool about that. There could be a snake in a drawer next to you right now, just waiting for you to open it up, then it’s going to strike. Why? Who knows. It’s just the snake instinct telling it to. It’s what they do.
And how the hell do they get around without any legs anyway? You gotta have legs, man. It defies logic that a creature can get from point A to point B on land without some leg-like appendages. Some of them can even swim! Without legs or fins! Poisonous ones, too! Slithering as a mode of transportation? Who does that? Then there’s that tongue. What’s that all about? Apparently they use them to smell shit? Say what? Why can’t you use your nose like everything else? Keep that thing in your mouth, bro. Oh, and they can unhinge their jaws and swallow animals like a thousand times their size. Hippos and shit, probably. Terrifying.
Some common sense will tell you that a coed fraternity called The Tabard likely hasn’t implemented a rigorous pledge training program, and considering the July timeframe, it’s highly likely an active member was responsible for this mishap. But some way, somehow, somewhere, the pledges are going to pay for this.
[via Valley News]
Image via All Best Desktop Wallpapers
Got a news story that we should know about? Send us a tip at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Also by Roger_Dorn
- Sigma Chi Pledge Turns Local News Report Audio Into Badass Hazing House Music
- Hottest Sororities In The United States: Kappa Kappa Gamma, OSU vs. Zeta Tau Alpha, UF
- “Red Lightning” Is FSU’s Ball Boy And He’s Better At His Job Than You’ll Ever Be At Yours
- FIJI Pledges Go Clark W. Griswold On 13-Foot Campus Christmas Tree, Get Busted
- Naked Photos Of Oxford University Women’s Rugby Team Are Hotter Than You’d Think