News

Quit Picking Up Trash On Spring Break, Nerds

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Since I’m too old to go on spring break anymore, every year around this time I spend my days enjoying the viral news coverage from every trashy beach in America. Fights. People getting hit by cars. Cops tazing kids who don’t want to be tazed. That sort of thing. What I’m NOT interested in seeing is news coverage of kids picking up trash after a night of partying on the beach.

From the Miami Herald:

With the sun setting behind the row of pastel hotels in South Beach, the sandy shore was pocked with piles of aluminum cans and plastic cups and bottles — the leftovers from a typical Spring Break day.

Sun-kissed from a day of partying in the surf, Jourman Triana, a 22-year-old Florida International University senior, and his fraternity brothers saw the mess and started to clean up after themselves.

First of all, what the fuck kind of name is Jourman? Is that a soft J? And why is the Herald referring to this grown-ass man as “sun-kissed”? That seems wrong. I was also under the impression that a semi-permanent mess existed on all Florida beaches. What do you think makes up most of the trash on a Miami beach, anyway? Pitbull CDs? Dirty needles? Those flip flops they give out to girls after they get pedicures?

Triana said a few dozen more beachgoers joined in when they saw what was happening, filling bags with cans, bottles and other debris left behind by the big crowds. They hung around after sunset for more than an hour to lend a hand.

Let’s get this straight — these kids went to Miami, partied a little bit, and picked up their own trash. What a rocking spring break trip, man. If I ever took a trip to Miami, I’d die. I don’t even believe in picking up my own trash. In fact, I go out of my way to throw away things that should be recycled. So quit picking up all that trash, nerds. We’re all dying and it’s time to live like it.

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shitto

shitto is a fifth year sixth year lifetime underachiever. He spends his time posting drivel online, waiting to be consumed by overwhelming apathy. The only thing of value he has ever given the world is a collection of old tweets. He's been called "a jealous hater" and "an idiot."

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