I’m fed up with this entire NBA season, namely the team playing HORSE in the Bay Area. No, I’m not going to sit here and Kanye Twitter rant my way through a diatribe of “they don’t play real basketball” nonsense. I don’t really give a fuck about Steph Curry and his “splash brother” aka Remedial Mike Posner. I’m more of a college sports guy anyway. This has nothing to do with “Shrek” Green, the G.O.A.T. (Luke Walton, of course,) nor Festivus Ezeli. No, this is about the “fans” of the Golden State Warriors that I cannot escape, nor stand any longer. I’m sick of every Asian kid under the age of 14 wearing neon Under Armor bricks on their feet, ridiculous Steph Curry comparisons to MJ + LeBron, and the “dynasty” label thrown out faster than a fat chick after a one-nighter.
I know I sound bitter, and, realistically, I probably am, but bitter and correct are not mutually exclusive. As recently as 2011 — or, in Apple time, the “iPhone 3 era” — the Warriors lost 46 games, finishing 12th in the Western Conference. During the surprisingly successful year, after coming off back-to-back last place finishes, the Warriors fell outside the top 10 in total attendance for the 14th straight season, were featured in only 3 nationally televised games (second least of any team) and failed to sell out 17 home dates. The Warriors were so unpopular that more people spent their hard earned money watching the LeBron-less Cavs lose 23 in a row than the almighty Warriors. No player until 2014 (Steph Curry) had ever finished in the top 10 in overall jersey or merchandise sales while donning a Warriors uniform. Yet, somehow in 2016 the “diehard” and “lifer” Warriors fans that have “always bled blue” cannot contain their Golden State fever.
So, with this perplexing set of facts in mind, I have created the ultimate 9-question test of your Warriors fandom to clean out the obnoxiously overcrowded bandwagon, and shine a light on what kind of person I imagine you to be:
1. Who served as the Warriors head coach during the aforementioned 2010-2011 season, guiding the Warriors to their most wins since 2007?
2. Prior to Steph Curry signing his extension in 2013, who was the highest paid player in the history of the Warriors?
3. What former Warriors “star” was once suspended 30 games for injuring himself while illegally riding a moped? I’m actually serious.
4. True or False: Brian Scalabrine has never played for the Warriors.
5. What round of the NBA Draft did the Warriors select Klay Thompson, and from what school? Adult day care is NOT an acceptable answer.
6. The Warriors fired a coach with the third-best-winning percentage in the NBA from 2011-2014, what was his name and what was one of the NBA teams he personally played for?
7. Andrew Bogut was the number 1 overall draft pick of what team? Hint: they’re back to Dane Cook level bad.
8. How many playoff series had the Warriors won in the 20 seasons preceding 2014?
9. True or False: Jeremy Lin once brought Lynsanity to the Bay in a Warriors uniform.
Bonus Question: What two colleges did Steph Curry’s younger brother Seth play for? Neither are Davidson.
Answers and Rubrick:
1. Keith Smart, current Miami Heat assistant
2. Monta Ellis
3. Again, Monta Ellis
5. First, Washington State
6. Mark Jackson. Knicks, Pacers
7. Milwaukee Bucks
Bonus: Liberty, Duke
0-2 Correct = You’ve embarrassed yourself and your family worse than 2009 Tiger Woods. You think Ben Affleck’s back tattoo is cool and that he will make a “sick” Batman. When you drink, you often text ex-girlfriends song lyrics that “remind you of the good times.” You have never seen an episode of Entourage but love “Downtin” (have to speak in English vernacular for no apparent reason) Abbey. You saw Aaron Carter in concert. Twice. You’re the most intolerable bandwagon fan.
3-5 Correct = You’re probably in a frat nobody has ever heard of (the infamous Triangle comes to mind) and try much too hard to “be frat.” You post regurgitated Chuck Norris jokes in the TFM comments section, then lap everyone that rightfully attacks you. You once won a $45 parlay on a Steph Curry pull up three. Every person you think is your friend has heard the story at least three times. You may watch Entourage, but find Ari Gold to be “mean.” Your favorite character is E. Wear your jersey but leave me alone.
6-8 Correct = Good for you, you stuck it out through the decades of utter misery and domination. You have finally made it. You’re Bruce Jenner’s vagina. Talk all the shit you want. Maybe in 20 years the select few remaining 76ers fans will do the same. You once proudly wore a Baron Davis jersey, told your friends Monta Ellis was a “true ball handler away from a scoring title,” and your girlfriend somehow finds Klay Thompson attractive.
9-9+bonus = You’re a true diehard, and that sort of fandom should be respected. You are likely annoyed by the social media antics and rampant idiocy of your new compadres. You are extremely frustrated in what used to be your favorite place, now overrun by fakes, lunatics, and assholes. You’re basically 2014 John Boehner. You cried when Chris Mullins made the Hall of Fame, have a signed Ekpe Udoh jersey you actually kept. And you know who the fuck Ekpe Udoh is. You are not the subject of my irrational anger (read: jealousy.)
For those of you thinking of abandoning your sinking NBA ship, don’t. Stay loyal, like me, steadfastly supporting the name on the front of LeBron’s jersey since 2004..
Image via YouTube