21st Century Fables For The Fraternity Man

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Aesop’s Fables have been teaching great moral truths through simple stories for centuries. Who hasn’t heard of the Tortoise and the Hare, the Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing, or the Goose that Laid the Golden Eggs?

Directly or indirectly, these fables have had a huge impact on the moral development of countless children and philosophers alike. Unfortunately, so much has changed since the olden days that today’s modern youth has become disconnected from the timeless messages.

So sit back, pour some whiskey, and let’s bring this bitch back into the 21st Century.

The Bear and The Mouse

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There was once a great Grizzly Bear with an uncommon skill in drinking games. He never lost to anyone, no matter what the game was. His reputation spread quickly and his ego surged with pride. He proclaimed to the rising sun, “I am the Bear, the greatest drinking game champion the world will ever know. I can beat anyone at any game.”

One day, a tiny field Mouse approached the Bear and meekly said, “I know of a game that I can beat you at.”

The Bear roared with laughter, “Everyone knows that you can’t even finish a single beer without keeling over, pipsqueak.”

The Mouse brought the Bear to a chessboard.

“We will take turns. I will take a sip of beer for every square on this chess board.”

“I could shotgun a beer for every square and still beat you,” snarled the Bear.

“Perhaps,” replied the Mouse. “So we will level the playing field. You will start with one sip for the first square, but for every square after that, you will drink double the amount that you drank for the previous square.”

“What…” said the Bear indifferently.

The Mouse explained, “For the first square you will drink one sip, for the second square you will drink two sips. For the third square you will drink four sips, etc. Each square doubles what you drink. Get it? We will take turns until one of us can’t finish the game.”

“Sounds easy enough,” was written on the Bear’s tombstone after he died of alcohol poisoning.

Moral of the Story:

It takes a lot of humility to admit defeat, especially when you’re exponentially* fucked.

*There are 64 squares on a chessboard. If you take the exponential doubling of one sip of beer to the 64th power, the Bear’s final sip would be more beer than all the breweries in the world could produce in an entire year.

The Stone Crab

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A crab was scuttling along the beach when a beautiful mermaid stuck her head out of the surf.

“Psssst,” she said. “Have you ever smoked seaweed?”

“No,” replied the crab. “It’s bad for you.”

“Nonsense!” said the Mermaid. “Who told you that, your mommy? You’ll never know how much fun it is if you never try it. C’mon, live a little.”

“Very well,” said the crab. “After all, I have a hard shell to protect me. What’s the worst that could happen?”

The Mermaid pulled out her seabong and packed a fat bowl of the stickiest seaweed south of the Marianas Trench. The crab inhaled deeply and held it in for a very long time. Blazed out of his mind, he leapt into the sea, and spontaneously broke out into song:

The crab enjoyed himself so much that he began to smoke seaweed everyday. He became very lazy and stopped going to the beach to scuttle around. Instead he sat in his coral apartment all day long and played CrabNabber on his crabby Xbox. He played so much that his shell grew very thick and hard. After many years of smoking seaweed and wasting his days on the couch, his shell fused into it and he turned to stone.

Moral of the Story:

If you smoke seaweed every day you’ll be stoned for life.

The Shark and The Sluts

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A Shark was swimming along one day when he came across a life raft full of sluts.

“Good morning my pretties, what seems to be the problem?” the Shark asked.

“Our booze cruise to the Bahamas hit a reef and sank because we were gang-blowing the captain.”

“That’s a shame,” replied the Shark. “If you like, I can return you to your neglectful fathers on shore. Just hop on my back.”

“No way, you’re a shark!” The sluts replied.

The Shark was patient. He waited for the afternoon sun to beat down upon their half naked, crab-infested bodies. Finally heat exhaustion got to them and one of the sluts blurted out, “OMG I’m totally freaking out, I seriously can’t take any more of this stupid sun!”

“There is such a marvelous shadow underneath the raft,” said the Shark. “I hadn’t even noticed the sun.”

The sluts peered over the edge of the raft and gazed enviously into the aquamarine depths. The Shark splashed a little water on them. They shivered with goose bumps and delight.

“Come on in,” said the Shark. “The water is cool and refreshing. Relax, have some fun, and wash away the worries of the world.”

“That’s a great idea,” said one of the sluts. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of it before.”

Moral of the Story:

OMNOMNOMNOM Sluts are dumb.

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