Ranking the Available College Football Head Coaching Jobs

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It’s that time of year again – the silver lining to the conclusion of college football season. It’s a musical chairs of the extremely desirable, and equally hard to get, NCAA D-1 head coaching positions. The following are the available FBS head coach openings (at least for the programs that people care about), ranked in descending order.

8. NC State

Pros:

* It’s in Raleigh. I admit I actually had to look that up. Didn’t know it. I hear Raleigh is nice.
* Girls? Hell, I don’t know. They look alright out there?

Cons:

* It’s in the ACC, and while the ACC has some quality programs, and very quality academics, it’s a basketball conference at its core. There’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s who they are.
* Poor history: near .500 all-time winning percentage, 0 national titles and only 11 conference titles since their first season in 1892.
* Stadium capacity of only 57,000.
* Pulling blue chips in is a tough pitch.
* Their mascot is the Wolfpack, and that’s just not all that cool.
* Poor football talent area.

7. Boston College

Pros:

* Pretty sweet town if you’re into the northeast.
* “NFL offensive lineman” is a great selling point to recruits. They seem to produce well at this position.

Cons:

* Cold weather.
* Again, it’s in the ACC.
* Football fans in Boston are all about the Patriots. College football is a casual side activity.
* Nonexistent football history.
* Very little talent comes from this region of the country.

6. Kentucky

*** FSU defensive coordinator Mark Stoops accepted the position on November 27.

5. Purdue

Pros:

* Drew Brees in an alum.
* I kinda dig their mascot: Boilermakers.
* Strong fan base.

Cons:

* Located in West Lafayette, Indiana. I’ve never been, but I’m going to assume there are some killer deals on vacation homes to be had in the area.
* Poor football history: .534 all-time winning percentage, 0 national titles.
* Weak talent part of the country.
* Share a state with Notre Dame.
* Tough to recruit for.
* Shitty weather.

4. Cal

Pros:

* I just learned they claim 5 national titles, but 1937 is the most recent one.
* Undemanding fans.
* Amazing campus.
* Located in great state for football talent.
* Sharp looking unis.
* A-Rodge.

Cons:

* Oakland area, crime and shit.
* Uninterested fan base for the most part.
* Have to take the recruits that USC, UCLA, and Stanford (to a lesser degree) don’t want.
* Nerd central.
* Ugly chicks.

3. Arkansas

Pros:

* It’s SEC football.
* Fine history of winning: 1 national title, 13 conference titles, near .600 all-time winning percentage.
* Sharp looking football stadium.
* Committed fan base.
* Nice looking women.

Cons:

* No true rivalry exists for them. It used to be Texas during the Southwest Conference days. After getting their dicks beat in by the Horns, they hightailed it to the SEC without a rival present. Some will claim it’s LSU, but that’s just because LSU doesn’t have one either, and it’s like they were pals that got bored one day and started fooling around in the living room when the parents were away. They’re non-committal, though.
* Toughest division to win in college football.
* Stadium has average capacity, and small in terms of tier 1 football programs.

2. Auburn

Pros:

* Awesome traditions, War Eagle.
* Ravenous fan base.
* Fertile recruiting territory.
* Iron Bowl.
* SEC.
* Willing to shell out cash.
* Could be beneficiary of some questionably unethical, illegal recruiting tactics.

Cons:

* They will always be second fiddle to the University of Alabama in their state, where they are dwarfed historically.
* Same tough division as Arky, the SEC West.
* Very demanding position (Chizik was fired just 2 seasons after he won Auburn their second national title in program history).
* It’s in Auburn, Alabama.

1. Tennessee

Pros:

* Rich history, just outside of the vaunted Blue Blood Status: a couple national titles (I think they claim like 6 of them, but similar to Alabama, the real number is much lower), 16 conference titles.
* 100,000+ stadium seating capacity.
* In the premier football conference, yet in the more winnable division.
* Peyton.
* Dedicated fan base.
* Deep pockets.
* Heard solid things about Knoxville.
* I love that dog mascot (big hound guy).
* Great tailgating.
* Vol Navy.

Cons:

* Tennessee orange.
* Tough conference to win.

Wildcards

Texas & USC

Imagine a scenario where you and your boy are in a bar talking to a couple ladies, being in the zone to the point where behind-their-back high fives are exchanged from the excitement and certainty of post-game festivities at the house. It’s in the bag. You know, all your jokes are sticking their landings, you’re actually working that one dance move that typically makes you look like a seizing paraplegic, and they’re surprisingly not turned off by your overly-wandering dance floor hands. Then, and much to your chagrin, a couple of supremely dapper swingin’ dicks walk in and just completely change the game – to the point where you ponder immediately throwing in the towel and turning over your potential takedowns.

You see, they’re pointers. Pointers are guys that have the privilege of essentially pointing out who they’re leaving with. And these guys have already set sail for your two girls, throwing shoulders and spilling drinks as they inch through the bar crowd. You can try to grab them and scurry out the door, but it’s too late. They will close.

That’s who USC and Texas are, interchangeable at the 1 and 2 spots. Should these jobs become available, and my sources tell me at least one is a legitimate possibility, each school’s athletic director will get to point out who they want from the available head coaching pool, and maybe even snatch up someone who isn’t available yet. Numbers 1 through 8 above will then be forced to fight over the remaining pile.

Saddle up.


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Nice Move

Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 3
    Frattastic 4

    No talk about Southern Miss? Went from 10-2 with a conference championship where they beat a top ten team and had a national ranking to a 0-12 season just because of a bullshit head coach. Hope they can find someone to replace Johnson that isn’t fucking senile.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 1
    cleavage

    I could see Tressel going to Tennessee. He’s a great coach who was fired for some bullshit. And they could pay him cash and his style at Ohio State could do well in the SEC. Not to mention he would look great in an orange sweater vest. On a side note my computer auto corrected Tressel to testicle when I typed it in the first time.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      kcarbone18

      I’m pretty sure the NCAA put a “show-clause” on Tressel for a few years, which means any program would have to explain why they hired Tressel. It’s bullshit cause he’s a good coach

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 1
      Bone Padre

      Great coach, but he wasn’t canned for some bullshit. He was fired because he had no control over his own program. He was damn near coaching an SEC team. One scandal after another. Even Jim Delany’s buttboy needs to be held accountable.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  3. 0
    Frockets and Sperrys

    Living in Raleigh, I guess you could say NC State has pretty decent girls. The campus looks like flat out shit though, with everything from courtyards to buildings being the same red brick.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  4. 0
    chanceofsnow

    Tennessee has to look further south to get any talent, competing with programs that are a lot easier to sell to recruits. I’m thinking it might take a few years for the future Vols head coach to be able to get kids to leave FL, GA, SC, etc

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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