Ranking The GOP Candidates’ Proposed Secret Service Code Names

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As last night’s three-hour debate wound down, CNN tossed in a few softball questions for the 11 top GOP presidential candidates.

Perhaps the most entertaining question of the night was: “What would your Secret Service code name be?”

It seemed to catch a few of the nominees off guard. While some gave pretty good answers, a few had some ridiculously stupid ones.

Here is your definitive ranking of the proposed Secret Service code names from last night’s debate. Remember, these are the issues that matter. Secret Service code names should absolutely influence your ballot.

11. Rand Paul: Justice Never Sleeps

First rule of a code name: It should never be longer than your actual name. Justice Never Sleeps is a ridiculously bad code name, and one that would sound stupid as hell coming out of an agent’s mouth.

“Yeah, we got ‘Justice Never Sleeps’ on the move from the Oval Office to the White House gym. God, I hate this guy.”

10. Carly Fiorina: Secretariat

Carly had a phenomenal debate performance last night and will absolutely rise in the polls, but naming yourself after a horse? I mean, she is just begging comedians to make fun of her. Secretariat is a stupid ass code name. Better one off the top of my head? “CEO.”

Sure, that wouldn’t have played well with the crowd, but just about anything is better than “Secretariat.”

9. Ben Carson: One Nation

I don’t hate this one nearly as much as the other two, but it’s still not a good code name. Maybe it’s just because Carson is frustrating to watch at the debates. The dude is clearly not a public speaker.

If I were to give a code name based on his last two debate performances, I think I would have gone with “Sleepy” or “Blinks Too Long.”

8. John Kasich: Unit One

I like Kasich. I could see myself voting for Kasich. I do not really like this code name. Unit One reminds me of ninth grade World Geography class.

“Answer all the odd questions in the Unit One review and turn it into me by Friday.”

My President is not a textbook.

7. Jeb Bush: Ever-Ready

I have no feelings about this code name. It is not cool. It is not uncool. It seems kind of difficult for agents to say. He clearly could have done better. He clearly could have done worse. That’s basically how I would describe his entire campaign, thus far.

6. Chris Christie: True Heart

I love Chris Christie and I love the way he tells it like it is, but when I look at him, I don’t see “True Heart.” I see “Heart Transplant.”

5. Donald Trump: Humble

Trump was smart to play the humor card on a BS question while all the politicians around him treated it like it deserved a serious answer. Trump can basically say anything he wants and it won’t affect his likability among his base. I would have also accepted: “Billionaire.” “Rich.” “The Donald.” “Toupee.”

4. Mike Huckabee: Duck Hunter

Duck hunting is cool. Mike Huckabee is not very cool. Duck hunting makes him seem cooler. Good answer.

3. Scott Walker: Harley

I love Scott Walker. I love his weird hair and the fact that I have a college degree and he doesn’t. I also love the code name Harley. That’s a badass code name. I’m not a motorcycle fanatic, but I can get behind a man who is.

2. Ted Cruz: Cohiba

I was going to rank Cohiba low because I didn’t know what it meant and Ted Cruz looks like a cartoon mouse that was left out in the sun too long, but then I looked it up and Cohiba is actually a type of Cuban cigar. TFM.

1. Marco Rubio: Gator

I respect the hell out of any man who loves his school that much, even if it is in Florida.

When Steve Holt is president, his code name will be “Longhorn.”

Image via YouTube


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