Reading Books Is A Waste Of Time

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Nice Move

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Pew Research Center released a new study that said 73 percent of Americans have read at least one book over the last 12 months. I’m going to allow that to marinate in your brains for a brief moment and let you think back to the last paperback or hard cover that you perused cover-to-cover. Was it on your high school’s required reading list? It was, wasn’t it? You actually SparkNoted the entire thing too, didn’t you? It’s okay — you’re not alone. It’s time we just come out and say it: Reading books is a complete waste of time.

Sure, it may have been riveting entertainment in the 1700s compared to your other options of flying a kite or dying from dysentery, but it’s an outdated practice that society needs to stop putting on a pedestal. Reading doesn’t make you a better person. It doesn’t give you the appearance of being more intellectual or cultured. It just turns you into the unbearable tool that goes to a movie and voices that the “book was better” throughout.

We get it, readers. You’re life is devoid of any and all excitement. You torture yourself in silence reading the same Malcolm Gladwell point that he stretches out into 300 pages with a series of analogies so you can drop –verbatim — the same smooth line about adaptive unconsciousness at a party or with some little honey that’s way too smart for you to begin with.

I’m not being an ignorant mongoloid by having this opinion, either. I’m simply a more efficient human being. Why would I spend weeks reading Game of Thrones when I can wrap a season out in a day? I got things to do, places to be, and people to see. Plus, you know what’s better than visualizing things in your head? Seeing motherfucking CGI dragons laying waste to war ships and giants popping heads like grapes on screen.

If you read books, you’re essentially spitting in the face of modern society and choosing to be Amish. We have all these awesome technological outlets to consume story and data and you’re going out of your way to be a stubborn asshole and do things the hard way. Get off your damn high horse.

And how about the stones on PRC to drop such a ridiculously high number and call it legitimate research? How do you people go home to your families, kiss your children goodnight, and look your wives in the eyes knowing that your entire career is a lie? 73 percent? 73 percent of this country doesn’t have the patience to sit through a 30-second Youtube ad, and you’re going to tell me with a straight face that they have sat down and read an entire piece of literature in the last year? Kick rocks.

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