Let me start off by saying that my mother will not be reading this. She still thinks I’m a good boy with a real job, so it’s best that she stays in her blissful bubble of innocence as long as possible. Maintaining that illusion is my Mother’s Day gift to her.
You shouldn’t need a reason to tell your mom you love her. That woman has put up with a whole lot of your shit. However, if you’re the type of person who needs justifications, here are a few reasons you should show your mom you really appreciate all she’s done for you this Mother’s Day.
She gave birth to you, which as far as I can tell is about as much fun as pissing a large cactus out of your dick.
She let you ruin her sweet tits. Your mom probably had a pretty nice rack before you came along and sucked the suppleness right out of them, you tit vampire.
She wiped your ass and cleaned up a lot of disgusting bodily fluids. Have you ever been around a baby? All they do is eat, shit, cry, throw up, and sleep. They are miserable little creatures.
Her sex life went to hell because you cried like a whiney little bitch at very inconvenient times. You cock blocked your mom ALL THE TIME.
Once you began to walk and grab, you broke a bunch of her stuff. You are why your mom couldn’t have nice things.
She spent every night reading bedtime stories so you could learn and master the English language. “Butt Pee” is not in the Marion Webster dictionary, nor is it in Good Night Moon. Your Twitter account is a shining example of all your mother’s hard work.
She didn’t say anything when you ruined the computer with porn viruses.
She didn’t say anything when she washed your sheets that were soaked in the splooge of wet dreams.
She didn’t say anything when you brought your first girlfriend home, even though she knew you’d break her heart.
She didn’t say anything when you brought your second girlfriend home, even though she knew she was a whore.
She didn’t say anything when you brought any of the other girlfriends home because she honestly didn’t want to know.
She loved you no matter how bad your grades were or how many times you had to go to the principal’s office for pooping in the urinals.
She supported you no matter how hard you fucked up because she loves you more than you can ever know.
Your mom has sacrificed a lot for you, and if you’re not the kind of person who tells her that everyday, do something special for her this Mother’s Day. Take a little time out of your busy schedule of drinking and slut-fucking to let her know that you really appreciate her. You’d be surprised the impact a small gesture can have.
If you’re still searching for reasons to say those three simple words to her, just remember…
She took a dick for you. Literally, your mother took a dick in order to bring you into being on this planet. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.