Rebuttal: Matt Bonner, NBA’s True Frattest Player

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While reading Brian Scalabrine – Frattest NBA Player, I felt a deep pit of wrong. Sure, Scalabrine has a ring, he scores occasionally, wins the good people of Chicago some Big Macs, but he’s not at all the Frattest NBA player. That title belongs to the one and only Matt Bonner, an NBA Champion, devastating jump shooter, and fratstar.

Bonner started his NBA career in Toronto with a bang. In December of 2004, Bonner threw Kevin Garnett to the ground while hustling for a rebound. Garnett and Bonner got in a heated exchange, in which Bonner got kicked out promptly. The arena erupted in chants of “Bonner, Bonner” and this fan favorite was born. Bonner, a rookie, stood his ground against this veteran and showed the world not to fuck with him.

Bonner’s sexual exploits were well known in Toronto. He received the nickname “The Red Rocket,” and the women of Toronto were at their knees wanting to ride the Rocket. Bonner, in fact, was traded to San Antonio after running through all of the women in Canada, and wanted good ole American poon. Bonner wasn’t just a sex icon for his attitude, but his raw basketball talent as well. Bonner to this day is among the best three point shooters in the league. Every time his jumper sinks into the basket, Bonner causes a flash flood for every woman in attendance.


Bonner isn’t just some scrub who sits on the end of the bench. He’s a real athlete, commanding respect. Brian Scalabrine, “the frattest NBA player” according to Little 500, doesn’t even have a shoe endorsement deal. Bonner has one, with NEW BALANCE. That’s right, makers of the greatest and frattest athletic shoes of all time sponsor the Red Rocket. Bonner’s inner frat knew what he wanted, and told Adidas, Nike, and Reeboks to all suck it. He is the only NBA player with a deal from New Balance. Bonner gets booed constantly for his shoes, but always finds a way to silence the crowd by draining threes smoother than your mom’s brazilian.

Now sure, the Bulls are a solid NBA team. Or maybe I should say Derrick Rose is just a really great player. Whatever. Bonner is on a true championship team, the San Antonio Spurs. The Spurs, although recently jousted by the Thunder, have won four of the last 12 championships, while the Bulls have to keep looking back and circle jerk about the 90’s. Bonner is part of a dynasty, and a real hooper, while Scalabrine is keeping his “talents” at the end of the bench like a true scrub.

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  1. 1

    how about a column for the frattest player in each major sport, excluding soccer of course

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    Purple Frater

    He’s Canadian, even worse he was born here in the U.S then defected to Canada. He is a traitor and is therefore NF. I feel like laps are necessary for this attack on America.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0

      Matt Bonner according to Spurs website:

      1) Born in Concorde, NH (in the US)
      2) Went to HS in Concorde, NH (in the US)
      3) Graduated from UF (in the US)
      4) Drafted by Bulls (in the US) and traded to Raptors (in Canada
      5) Decided to ball Raptors to score some Euro fish tacos (in Italy) until they gave him a guaranteed roster spot (aka hard ball)

      Now he did eventually decide to apply for Canadian citizenship because his wife and kid have it (not a bad fucking reason), and because he wants to play international ball in the Olympics (worse reason). However he doesn’t have it yet AND he sure as fuck isn’t going to make the US squad. I’m not going to say I like his move, but I understand it.

      Unless you said the same thing about Hakeem or Ewing when they played for Team USA, then you can run your laps as well.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0

      Bravo, fratonomics. Purple Frater is probably the kind of guy who thinks the Ex-Patriot act is cool and that sticking it to socialist-ass Obama government and seeking the max profits in life is “un-American” whereas supporting shitty governments like our Founding Fathers didn’t is “patriotism.”

      Bonner has an incredible 3-point shot, he’s a boss, he works hard as fuck, he’s FaF by all means. But I really don’t know if the White Mamba’s ’08 post-Finals press conference can ever be out-fratted..

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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