Recap Of The TFM Writers’ Charity Golf Tournament

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Nice Move

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So this past Friday, you may have noticed a significant lack of content by any writer not named Steve Holt. Did that soulless bastard take control of the reigns from Chicago and lock everyone out of the site? Not quite. The rest of the TFM team, minus Boosh, took the day off and hit Falconhead Golf Club for the 8th Annual Sea Breeze Invitational benefitting the Wounded Warriors Project. Having never swung a club, Boosh decided to sit this one out and run point for the site to keep Holt and the rest of the remote writers in check. How did he do?

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Mother of God! Holt is just asking for it now.

So as Steve kept pushing out this “great content” and Boosh was stuck editing these “masterpieces,” the rest of us split into three four-person scramble teams, hoping the site was not burning to the ground as we teed it up.

Here’s how the teams stacked up.

Group 1:
Ross – Started playing golf about ten minutes ago. Drinking was his main priority as you might have seen during our Snapchat takeover.
Will – PGP’s own. Solid all around. Stache needs some work, though.
Harrison – Most even keel person in everyday life. Psychopath on the links. I’ve personally witnessed him snap multiple irons in half over his head after a string of bad shots.
Matt – Complete wildcard.

Group 2:
Dillon – Good looking swing, can bomb it with the best, had a better day than me all around. (Dillon definitely didn’t edit this.)
Jared – Old man golf personified. Straight and short.
Dylan – Video guy. From the looks of it, this was his first round.
Dave – See Will. Seriously, the same game and stache.

Group 3:
Me – Long and inconsistent. Hadn’t played in two months and it took the front nine for me to get going.
Brad – Long and inconsistent. Was pounding down beers and shots with no regard for humanity.
Rob – Fox plays about once a year and it shows. Hit a shot here and there that made everyone go “Where’d that come from?”
Madison – Pretty disappointing considering he is our CEO. Then again he’s always in the office and never on the links. Someone needs to teach him how to CEO properly.

I was actually supposed to cart up with Fox as this picture indicates.


But being the elitist that he is, Rob didn’t want to subject himself for 18 holes with “Philly trash,” so he put his bag with Madison.

Group 4:
Micah – Didn’t actually golf. Just spent the front nine heckling my group until it started to downpour and he bailed.

After hitting the range, the gamesmanship started immediately, when Matt pulled the ol’ loose golf bag gag on Jared.

The savagery only grew exponentially as there was a shot girl on just about every other hole, and multiple cart girls with plenty of product.

I see you, Madison (green shirt.) CEOs don’t take shots with the peasants they employ below them. That’s why they’re CEOs. Not seen here is Brad, who was busy taking one of the 35 piss breaks he took during the round. Micah gladly stepped in before berating us on the next tee.

Here’s just a few highlights from the rest of the day.

– I bombed it off the first tee but into the rough to the left. Micah, who is out on the fairway picks up the ball and decides we weren’t going to use it anyway. We proceed to use Fox’s drive 150 yards back.

– I bombed another drive pin high just off the green on a par 4 that Dillon and company are still on (Editor’s note by Dorn: This hole was only 253 yards long – don’t let Dan convince you he “bombed” it). Dave walks over, stomps the ball into the ground to the point where we can’t find it and causes us to use Brad’s bunker shot 50 yards back.

– There was a hole where you could gamble whether or not you’d hit the green with the proceeds going to the Wounded Warrior Project if you miss. Dillon put down $50 on himself, hit the green, and rather than just say “No, it’s alright, keep the money,” took the tournament operator’s cash without thinking anything of it. Being the honorable guy that I am, I missed the green to the left. Pin high.

– The dynamic PGP duo getting after it:

– The most electric swing in the game today:

– Dillon smoked a drive about 340 out. Madison then made the proclamation that if I outdrove Dillon, I would be promoted above him with my official title being “Dorn’s Boss.” As many of you know, I’m not an excuse guy. But the rotator cuff has been a bit sore as of late. Just been crushing the weights and the flexibility just wasn’t there Friday. That said, I’ll man up to it. I choked. I hit it off the hosel and slapped the ball a pathetic 275 yards out. Well short of Dillon’s ball. I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry, you guys. I let you all down, and now we all have to deal with tweets like this:

– Our Instagram got hacked.


Hopefully we can get back those 1,000 or so followers we lost from the repeated ads for bullshit hoverboards. Not pointing any fingers but Steve Holt was second in command.

All-in-all, though, it was a refreshing day out of the office. Sure, I’m going to have to deal with Dillon mercilessly stroking himself off about being the best golfer in the office, as his team had the best showing of the three groups, but we helped raise some money for a great cause, drank more booze than we rightfully should have, and threw in a good golf shot here and there. Can’t really ask for much more.


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