As many recover from their first experience at a company Christmas party, let’s reflect on a few notable characters that often emerge at such social events, and pray that we don’t fall into one of these categories…
Wife Way Out of His League Guy
You get to the party, grab a drink, and notice the twenty-something blonde across the room dressed in a questionably short skirt with a distinguished amount of cleavage. You see a coworker and ask, “Who’s the smoking blonde?” To your dismay, it’s Jackson from accounting’s wife. Jackson is a humble, unassuming victim of moderate male pattern baldness. You’re shocked to hear this news, because you know he doesn’t bring home that much more bacon than you. How the fuck did he land that slutty 8? It doesn’t matter. You can’t make the mistake of joking around with other coworkers because it will undoubtedly get back to him, and Monday will get weird. Seriously, he’ll laugh it off, but deep down he sees you as a threat with more hair and even more testosterone.
Newly Divorced Guy: Sad Story
He’s been with the company for 10 years, but this is the first time he’s been to the Christmas party without his newly divorced wife. Thankfully, he arrived with a large group that will attempt to serve as his support system. Don’t be shocked if he pulls a creep move, drinks too much, cries, or all of the above. He’ll get a pass on Monday.
Overly Trendy Clothes Guy
This Christmas party may be your first opportunity to see (judge) coworkers outside the office. There are always one or two guys who use this opportunity to show everyone how cool they are. They may wear some ironically thick black glasses, despite not being in film school. It could be a deep V-neck with a cardigan, possibly with some skinny jeans thrown in the mix. Beware of bedazzled cross/skeleton/dragon shirt guy. He’s not an alpha male in the office, so he’s using this as his chance to show how tough he is. Notice nobody in management looks anything like this guy, and nobody in management likes this guy (unless you work for a thriving energy drink company).
Awkward Sports Conversation Guy
This guy has been eavesdropping on fantasy football talk around the cubicles all fucking season, and now he’s going to bring some generic Tebow/Rodgers/Romo talk your way. He probably listened to Colin Cowherd the entire week leading up to the party, and now he wants to know if you think Tebow can keep it up. You can end this conversation quickly by asking him about the Wade Phillips 3-4 defense in Houston compared to the Wade Phillips 3-4 in Dallas.
Unsolicited Political Conversation Guy
He brings up all of the most important current issues, but does so after everyone is about five Woodford’s deep. He starts out harmless enough, asking if you saw the last Republican debate, but the next thing you know you’re arguing with three people about the constitutionality of Newt Gingrich’s views of the judicial branch. At least two people are yelling, and the other guy is shaking his head with his eyes closed. No good comes from this, and people are staring.
Probably Getting Fired Guy/Girl
Whether it’s double-fisting Jack and Coke, grinding like you’re working the Tuesday afternoon shift at Fantasy Ranch, or a combination of both with some vomit mixed in, someone is going to blow it in one way or another. It goes without saying, but don’t be that guy/girl, because you’re probably going to get shit-canned.
Others notable characters to reflect upon:
-Rented a Ferrari guy
-Sandusky joke guy
-Sober because of what happened at last year’s party guy/girl
-30 minute appearance because he has bottle service downtown guy
-Hot secretary with loser boyfriend
-Sales guy pretending to close deals at the party guy
-Might have paid an escort to go as his date guy
By guest columnist @PostGradProblem