Refresher Course: Suburban House Parties

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Refresher Course: Suburban House Parties

After finals, most of us will head home for the holidays. Personally, I love this time of year. I get home-cooked meals, I get to see my dogs, and, of course, coming home means suburban house parties. I have hazy but nonetheless fond memories of high school parties: waiting around for that one kid who had a good enough fake to bring the alcohol to the party, passing out on someone’s living room couch, and that awesome moment when you head upstairs with a girl. It was at these parties where I learned how to drink, flirt, and master all the basic social functions a human being needs to have. As college students (sorry high school students, this column is not for you) we are used to a different kind of party now. We throw parties in mansions we can trash without our parents freaking the fuck out, but now it’s back to our high school days. But this time, our parents have accepted the fact that we can and will drink. With that said, these are the suburbs, where old people and cranky parents will call the cops–and let’s not forget suburban cops were high school rejects who are now claiming their revenge by arresting any young person having fun. I am here to make sure you still get piss-the-bed drunk, but that you don’t end up in a cell.

Hosting Parties

Hosting a party is a double edged sword. On one hand, everyone loves you for hosting the party, but on the other, you are hosting a party. When you host a party in college, you don’t have as many worries. The biggest difference between a college party and a house party back home is that at your house, there are actually items of value. Unless you are really, really stupid, you do not have fine china in your fraternity house or wherever you live while you’re in college. Your friends won’t mean to break thousands of dollars worth of china, but when people get drunk, common sense is nowhere to be found. Suddenly, you see your mom’s $1,000 vase being tossed around like a football, or your big ass family portrait is on the roof. Before the party starts, take everything of substantial value and put it all in a room and lock the door. This is a tedious task, but it could save you a lot of money. Another important task is to demand that your friends park four or five houses down from yours. That way it will not be so obvious that you are having a party, and you will lower the chances of cops breaking up your party. Another unfortunate part of hosting a party is that you can’t get too drunk. I hosted parties in high school and I’ve seen people peeing in the kitchen sink or lighting a tree on fire in my backyard. If you get blacked at your own party, your house will become Thomas Kub’s house.

Attending Parties

Preferably, you’d like to be the guest and not the host. As a common courtesy, park a little ways away from the house where you will be getting obliterated. If you are underage, this next suggestion applies to you. Before you start drinking the liquor cabinet dry, make a mental note of other exits around the house–a back door, maybe a window–so if the cops do come, you can get out of the house without an MIP. If you are 21 or older, who gives a shit if the cops catch you drinking? If for some reason the parents are at the house, do not talk to them. Just say thanks for hosting and be on your way. No parents like drunken people in their house, even if they are all of age. Be nice to the host. If the host tells you not to do something, don’t fucking do it. Plus, a host who likes you might let you use a room to hook up with your high school slam. You should also arrive to the party with your own alcohol (this mostly pertains to guys) because no one likes a vulture who just drinks other drinks and didn’t contribute any alcohol to the party. We can all afford to buy alcohol, so be a gentleman. This next piece of advice is the most important: DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE. It’s not cool. You are not a badass for driving drunk, you are a dumbass. Uber home, find a designated driver, or call a cab, but do not drink and drive. If you are too stupid to ignore this, then you need to get pulled over by the cops before you wind up on the news.

After finals, you need to let off some steam. Just remember this is not a college party–get blacked and have fun, but have some common sense.

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