I recently realized that Four Loko, in it’s original form and glory, has been gone for over two years now, but much like a text from that sneaky whore you used to date, inspiration can strike at any time. It usually waits until you’re drunk, like that slutty-ninja of an ex of yours. Anyway, as I’m sure we all remember (vaguely), in 2008 an amazing and innovative new beverage hit the market and changed the definition of “wasted” forever. While it may not have been the pioneer of alcoholic energy drinks, it undoubtedly became the poster child for them. It was the Muhammad Ali of drinking. Sure, Ali was not the first great heavyweight of boxing, but he undeniably revolutionized the sport.
Four Loko became the fuel that fed a new culture of debauchery and absurdity. In its quest to inebriate and invigorate, it destroyed and created. It created a new breed of drinkers that didn’t want to get sloppy, but still wanted to rage, and for some, it destroyed any hopes of becoming a functioning part of society. Like the sounds of a crying pregnant teenager, Four Loko battle roars could be heard across college campuses and high school bathrooms all over America (the main difference being that those roars never gave me an erection). It was both the cause and the solution to all of life’s problems. Sure, it may have caused Damaged Darla a few unexpected trips to CVS the morning after, but more importantly, it also played an important role in spicing up the sex life her uncle ruined. Maybe Careless Carl could have avoided running over his girlfriend’s cat if it wasn’t for Four Loko, but look on the bright side: fuck cats.
Indeed, every weekend with Four Loko was sure to produce stories so ridiculous, they could easily be mistaken for fiction. It would be trite to say that Four Loko separated the men from the wimps. A more accurate distinction would be that it separated the “Let’s get wasted!” crowd from the “I want to reach levels of intoxication reserved for 9/11 firefighters with survivors guilt.” Not since the days of Al Capone had alcohol caused this much excitement and commotion. Charles Dickens said it best, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.” Unfortunately, like every great legend, it too became a martyr. Jesus fell to the Romans in the name of religion; DiCaprio took a bullet for not being a dirty cop; Rebecca Martinson “resigned” for standing up to her “cockblocking, ASSHAT, boner-bitch” sisters; and the Goliath known as Four Loko found its David in a form that fits this analogy rather nicely: careless pussies.
Like Uncle Ben said, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” College kids around the nation began to get carried away with the drink, and strange things began to happen. Kids were being hospitalized left and right, inevitably leading to a few deaths here and there. I call it survival of the fittest. The FDA called it irresponsible marketing. I mean, cry me a river already, am I right? (Yes, I’m lacing up). Anyway, I suppose one could say that these absent minded teens flew too close to the sun on wings of caffeine, thereby costing the world unfathomable amounts of perverse fun. Honestly, I think it was just one big overreaction to a few undisciplined kids who couldn’t handle their alcohol. “Susie from Camden dormitory and James from Waterford Towers had a three-day hangover so they went to the hospital and then blah blah blah…” A few bad apples and now we all have to suffer? Even worse than those cases, this girl: “Hey, I know I’m not a big drinker, and I weigh a little over 100 pounds, but downing two Four Lokos sounds like a blast! Where’s my pickup truck?” It frustrates me to think that if Four Loko had been invented 20 years ago, maybe the mothers that gave birth to these idiots would have had the nerve to finish the abortions they obviously started.
In any case, soon after the aforementioned “incidents,” states began putting pressure on the company to remove the product from the market and thus, forced them to reformulate the drink into the lesser version of itself that is available now – mediocrity and diabetes in a 23.5oz can. It’s basically concentrated Kool-Aid (with less flavor and more sugar) mixed with a bit of molt liquor. It’s like this: if “lame” had a flavor, and that flavor had sex with the taste you have in your mouth when you wake up dehydrated on a stranger’s futon, and then that offspring-flavor developed a really strong addiction to cough syrup…yeah, kinda like that. Be that as it may, all we are left with are the distant (and most likely clouded) memories of what once was and what will never be again. I used to try and capture that old wonderful feeling by mixing NOS energy drink with Lemonade Four Loko but I found that it’s impossible without the use of less-than-legal recreational drugs. Alas, I once again bid you farewell, Four Loko. You will be missed.