The Royal Baby was born today. All corners of the media are covering it, and justifiably so. It’s a pretty big deal, as this kid is third heir to the British Throne. The worldwide response to the birth of a royal baby is pretty predictable — comments are appropriate, politically correct, and overall sophisticated in nature. So, that got me thinking: what kind of pregnancy would result in the opposite reactions from others? Naturally, an unplanned pregnancy between two college students after a sloppy one-night stand came to mind.
Compared to that of the birth of the Royal Baby, the reactions of the one-night stand may go something like this:
The Royal Baby (TRB): Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 4:24 today.
Unplanned College Pregnancy (UCP): That chick that Dozer boned missed her period. He got the text at 4:24 today.
TRB: You hear Kate had the baby?
UCP: Remember when Dozer had sex with that girl Heather in the basement two weeks ago? Turns out she’s preggers.
TRB: What a monumental occasion!
UCP: What an idiot.
TRB: Her Royal Highness and the baby are both doing well.
UCP: Their alcohol hangovers only lasted half a day, but their moral hangovers will last the rest of their lives.
TRB: The young royal couple will make lovely parents.
UCP: Are they gonna keep it?
TRB: The royal circumcision is to take place tomorrow morning.
UCP: Dozer said he’s getting a vasectomy tomorrow morning.
TRB: The Royal baby was born 8 lbs. 6 oz.
UCP: Heather has full D-cups.
TRB: The Duchess maintained great physical shape and unmatched grace throughout the entirety of her pregnancy.
UCP: Heather was a sloppy, word-slurring mess that night. She was rocking a side ponytail and a huge frat tank, too.
TRB: The baby is heir to the throne.
UCP: Their baby isn’t heir to shit, except maybe a bleak future and a few tattered frat tees.
TRB: The royal conception, thought to be a beautiful, ceremonious event between two lovers, occurred in a cottage in the gardens of Kensington Palace.
UCP: Dozer knocked her up in the corner of the basement over by where Phil took a shit that one night last semester. Remember? It was sloppy joe night. His stomach started rumbling out in the backyard and he didn’t have time to make it up the stairs and into the house. It was hot as hell down there when those two went at it. I bet they were sweating like a couple stuck pigs.
TRB: Can you imagine the home this kid’s going to grow up in?
UCP: You think he’ll bring that kid in to stay in the frat house?
TRB: The royal family was on hand to witness the delivery.
UCP: Phil and Stuart were listening to Dozer bone Heather from just outside the basement doorway.
TRB: All of the UK will celebrate the birth of the Royal Baby.
UCP: We’re taking Dozer out to get drunk tonight. Poor bastard.
TRB: The Queen is purportedly on top of the world about the newest edition to the royal family.
UCP: Is Dozer gonna tell his folks?
TRB: Prince William will be on two week paternity leave to spend time with Kate and the baby.
UCP: I bet Dozer drops out of school now.
TRB: The Royal Baby was delivered vaginally.
UCP: Dozer was so drunk that night that he swears his kid was conceived anally.
TRB: My guess is they name him Arthur!
UCP: Mini Dozer, that’s what I’m calling him.
TRB: The royal couple will take their new baby home in a Rolls Royce.
UCP: I can’t wait to see Dozer strap a car seat into the back seat of his lifted F-150.
TRB: I hope the Royal Baby gets Kate’s stunning features.
UCP: If this kid looks anything like Dozer, he’s fucked.
TRB: A lovely string quartet softly played just outside the delivery room while Kate was in labor.
UCP: “Thong Song” by Sisqo was blaring over the house speakers while they were having sex. Dozer loves that song.
TRB: Cheers of jubilation could be heard coming from friends and family upon delivery.
UCP: We could hear Dozer yelling, “Let Me See That Thoooooong!” while he was getting after it.
TRB: Prince William was crying tears of pure joy.
UCP: “Dumps like a truck truck truck.”
TRB: Kate was also crying from overwhelming happiness.
UCP: “Baby make your booty go da na, da na.”
TRB: The Queen was surprisingly lively and jovial.
UCP: “Baby move your butt butt butt.”
TRB: The Royal baby will be the pride of England!
UCP: This kid will be like a house pet.
TRB: The Royal Baby will be well tended to. A team of servants will help care for the child round-the-clock.
UCP: These pledges are going to have to learn how to change a diaper.