Rules For Being My Girlfriend’s Father

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There’s historically always been a tradition of fathers claiming a certain amount of what can only be described as ownership over their daughters. Sons are essentially allowed to run around, get into fights, hurt themselves, and learn from their mistakes, whereas daughters are sheltered, told they can’t date until a certain age, and that any boy who even looks at them will feel the wrath of their father. While this has started to shift a little bit, it’s still quite common for dads to talk about the rules they have for dating their daughters. Hell, we ran a story about Marcus Luttrell’s rules just last week. By the way, this is how daddy issues happen.

Well, guess what, dads? I’m flipping the script. Your daughters I’m dating are now adults and capable of making their own decisions. In fact, I now have much more impact in their day-to-day lives than you do. So, I’ve decided to make my own set of rules for being my girlfriend’s father. My, how the turn tables have turned.

1. I want you to like me, but I don’t care if you dislike me.

2. Don’t talk down to me. I’m smart enough to know that I don’t know shit, and I’ll probably ask you for lots of advice as the years go on. If I’m mature enough to not act as if I know everything, then treat me as such.

3. I won’t force you to listen to rap if you don’t force me to listen to The Eagles.

4. Don’t even try to institute a separate bedroom policy when we come to visit for the holidays. I’m banging your daughter. You know it, I know it. Show me the respect of letting me sleep with the girl I always sleep with. It’s not like I’m going to fuck her screaming brains out, forcing the sounds of our raucous lovemaking to echo through your house.

5. Accept that your daughter is her own person. Your job as a parental figure has changed from protector to supporter. She can take care of herself, pops.

6. Understand that my silence during your over-the-top political rants is not due to ignorance. It’s because I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your family.

7. You don’t have to invite me to do stuff, but it would be nice if you did. I’m a good hunting/fishing buddy, a decent golfer, and I know my way around a grill. Give me a shot. We’ll have a good time.

8. Feel free to swear around me, just understand that once the vulgarity floodgates are open, you and I will be forever locked in a game of obscenity one-upsmanship.

9. Don’t play the “I don’t know you, so I don’t trust you” game. We don’t have to be best pals right off the bat, but your daughter is experienced enough that you should trust she picked me for a reason.

10. If you try to enforce any of your bullshit, old-school, patriarchal rules on me using physical force, understand that I reserve the right to knock your old ass out.

See? The whole hard-nosed ultimatum thing isn’t so much fun when the condom’s on the other dick, is it? If you happen to be the father of a girl in her twenties and you’re still reading this, I commend you for your emotional self-control. The truth is, I like your daughter, which is a pretty solid reflection on you, given that well-adjusted adults tend to come from pretty decent parents. So, good job. Consider this a thought exercise. And remember, just because it’s satire, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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