Columns

Should I Run From This Cop? A Definitive Guide

5c6bb7f6001cd5e0119cd355cee58f4a

The presence of police officers after a few too many bad decisions often lends itself to the need for an expeditious retreat. That’s why it’s important to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, and know when to turn tail and get the hell out of there.

The next time you find yourself facing a run in with the long dick of the law, ask yourself the following questions to help decide whether you sprint for daylight or stay put and sleep it off in the drunk tank.

Do I Have A Good Lawyer?

Having a true professional willing to go to bat for you is a crucial part of any degenerate’s playbook. These individuals have worked hard and done copious amounts of amphetamines to help people just like you out of a tight spot. He could be your dad, a friend of your dad’s, a former fraternity brother, or just a stranger who was smart enough to know the cash value of drunk idiots. He does his clients right and really fights for the little guy. Larry Truth, Esq. is the man who’s gotten your brothers off on everything from drunk and disorderly to a completely misunderstood breaking and entering charge. If you’re lucky enough to have a legal wiz ready to save your bacon, the decision is fairly cut and dry.

Verdict: Run like hell. Even if you get caught, you know that Mr. Truth (real name Lawrence Wood) is going to get that shit knocked down to 12 hours community service and a month of unsupervised probation.

Am I Wearing Pants?

Sometimes a party gets out of hand and you’re left dangling in the breeze. Getting skunked in pong was only a little embarrassing at the time, but now you’re the butt of a very cruel joke. As the noise complaints roll in and the blue lights blaze, you find yourself staring hog first at a very disappointed officer who just wants to go home to his wife and kids. If you’re the bashful type, this might go down as one of the most humiliating moments of your life. If you’re an exhibitionist, you’ll probably be visited by that mustachioed face the next time you climax with your best gal. Either way, you’re looking at a very serious problem with only two possible outcomes – wear all orange in the tank or streak like you’re at Game 7.

Verdict: Fly you fool. Do you know what they do to naked people in prison? It ain’t pretty. You also have the benefit that nobody wants to tackle a naked guy. Let those idiots and their clothes get got. You’re as free as a bird.

What Do I Have To Lose?

Maybe things aren’t going so hot in your life. We all have problems, friend, and they often lead to the bottom of a bottle. If things are really bad, you can even find yourself at odds with the men and women of law enforcement. On the inside, you’re a raging hurricane of pressures and emotions that you can’t really explain. To the outside world, you’re a raging hurricane of half off well whiskey that nobody in attendance can contain. When the fuzz comes in, are you going to tell them about how hard life is so they can make you feel bad about all the people who have it worse? Maybe it is time to have a little alone time and atone in the eyes of society. What’s to lose?

Verdict: Nothing. That’s why you need to get the hell out of there and make your own way in this crazy world. Have you even seen ‘Blow’ you idiot? That guy went to jail in hopes of making good. Yeah, he had a pretty good life for a while, but the ending of that movie was too damn depressing. You don’t need that right now.

Am I Operating A Motor Vehicle?

You’re an asshole.

Verdict: Stay there and accept your fate, asshole.

Hopefully these tips stick with you on your next alcoholic adventure. Until then, get a good pair of running shoes and an even better lawyer. You never know when you might need them.

Email this to a friend

Karl Karlson

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

17 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More