Sack Tap Victim Is Probably Sterile, Not Entitled To Insurance Coverage

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The sack tap, also called the ball tap, the dick slap, the cock punch, and the devil’s handshake, has been a staple of adolescent interaction for ages. If you aren’t familiar, it’s pretty much just when a dude whacks one of his friends in the giblets for one reason or another. Kids usually do it when one of their buddies does something stupid enough to warrant his writhing on the ground in pain while grasping his junk and wishing he was in a happier place.

I never really understood this fad. I mean, I get the need to want to touch your friends’ junk (gotta compare yourself to someone) but inflicting pain on somebody was never really my ish. In fact, I was the one who was usually at the receiving end of the pain infliction. It’s okay, though, because those bullies got what was coming to them. Actually, not really. One married my sister. Made me be an usher at the wedding. Fucking prick.

But yeah. Sometimes the sack tap goes too far. This is one of those cases.

From Courthouse News Service:

Clayton Russell and his friends were playing the video game in his basement one evening in September 2006. Players of “Dance Dance Revolution” score points by stepping on a floor pad in a dance-like motion that the game instructs.

While Clayton was playing, one of his friends, Brandon Hearn, hit him in the groin from behind with his forearm. Clayton went to the hospital one day later and underwent surgery for tortion of the left testicle.

Looks like Brandon was trying to give Clayton a…HEARNia. BA DUM TSSSS HAHAHAHA dear God, I’m alone.

Part of me thinks Clayton’s just being a big baby about all of this. I took a lot of beatings, and I always got right back up. Dude’s probably just a softy.

Diagnostic tests show that the boy may be permanently infertile.

Oh. Well, I stand by my point. Besides, Brandon’s defense for his actions is pretty rock solid. You have to side with him here.

 Brandon testified that his action was commonplace among his friends and that he felt “Dance Dance Revolution” was a “little kid’s game.”

“In our little group, if you were doing something, like, kind of stupid, that’s what you – you would get a ball tap,” he said in his deposition.

Brandon added that he felt “really bad” and “never meant him to go to the hospital.”

To make matters worse, a court ruled that Brandon’s insurance is not liable to cover Clayton’s injury. This friendship has surely been torn apart, as Clayton will probably come after Brandon for his ball money. This case really opens the door for the coverage discussion on other unmentionables-related ailments. What about blue balls, whiskey dick, mud butt, and butt-chugging related injuries? Are those covered? I’m sure we will find out soon enough. Or at least I will.

This whole situation is sterile-ble. Get it? I said “is terrible,” but I mixed in “sterile” because of Clayton’s recent injury. Let’s see the chumps on SNL write a gem like that.

[via Courthouse News Service]

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The DeVry Guy

The DeVry Guy (@DeVryGuy) is a contributing writer and former summer intern for Total Frat Move. He'll be the first to tell you when "it's a TFM," and his support for #KONY2013 is unwavering (even though it's 2014). He has been called the "Patron Saint of Butt Stuff" despite never having engaged in any sexual activity until he turned 21, which he is still convinced is the minimum age at which you can legally have sex. Email:TheDeVryGuyTFM@gmail.com

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  1. 18
    Cockmeatsandwich

    This Brandon character has the potential to be a great Pledge Ed. I wouldn’t ever complain about cleaning knowing my pledge ed has made a dude permanently infertile from a sack tap.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 5 months ago
  2. 2
    TheCoch

    Who the fuck actually thinks it’s a good idea to use the phrase “ball tap” in a deposition…

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 5 months ago

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