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Scientists Need To Finally Create A Shot That Doesn’t Taste Like Liquid Garbage

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When I say this, keep in mind that I LOVE shots. More than life itself, more than my country, more than my God, more than my children (I don’t have any children, but when I do, I’ll love them less than shots). As a matter of fact, I say all of this BECAUSE I love shots. It’s tough love. Like when you tell your morbidly obese pal “Hey Tony, I love ya but you really need to lose some weight before you lose a foot from diabetes.” Or when my dad says “Wally, I love you, but kill yourself.” So, shots, I say this with love and affection, why the fuck are you always so disgusting?

Always. 111 percent of the time. Every. Damn. Time. Whenever I express this, a friend of mine will disagree, and recommend a shot that actually tastes good. A perfect example is Washington Apple. My friend Kyrie said “Not all shots are gross, try Washington Apple.” So I did and it tasted like demon piss. She backtracked and said “Well, I mean it tastes good FOR A SHOT.” Tastes good “For a shot” isn’t a compliment. That’s like saying “He’s smart, for someone with down syndrome,” or “She’s cute, for an Italian girl.”

Sure, tequila is a good poison of choice, but the only reason tequila isn’t disgusting is because we have a whole elaborate routine we need to do after we take it. We take the shot, then we gotta lick salt off of our hand, suck on a lime, eat some waffles, write a mystery novel, and steal the Declaration Of Independence. But have you ever just tasted tequila by itself without throwing in that song and dance to save it at the end? Horrific.

I guarantee plenty of you basement dwelling dickfarts will bombard the comments section with angry refutes and recommendations for good shots. But I’ve had them all. You’re wrong. No matter what shot you recommend, I guarantee it tastes like a jizz rag dipped in hot sauce and horseradish. The only shot that wouldn’t taste gross is a shotgun blast to the cranium, but Cobain turned that into a corny ’90s trend.

But I still love shots. They’re the quickest way to get drunk, even if they do taste like death and despair. If I go bar hopping, I just skip straight to 4 or 5 shots and I’m good for the night. And by good, I mean disgustingly clumsy and hilariously incoherent, ready to start a fist fight with anyone who says Training Day was overrated.

But my question is this: It’s 2017, why the hell haven’t scientists created a shot that is enjoyable to throw back yet? We’re in the process of perfecting artificial intelligence, which will eventually cause a new technological revolution that will reshape the structure of our society as we know it. But we can’t make a shot that doesn’t make me wanna chug bleach while pencil diving into a volcano?

We all have phones in our pockets that also double as computers, iPods, maps, libraries, encyclopedias, recording studios, cameras, video cameras, calendars, clocks, banks AND dick pic machines, but scientists can’t take 2 seconds to create a decent tasting shot? I don’t buy it.

Hey science, it’s your time to shine. Don’t let us down. Create a delicious shot. Plus, a delicious shot will lead to people taking more shots, which lead to more people dying from alcohol poisoning, so it’ll also help with the overpopulation problem. Two birds with one stone.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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