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Here’s A Video Of A Chargers Security Guard Allegedly Masturbating, On The Field, As Cheerleaders Dance Right Next To Him

Here’s the video that the title of this article gives a pretty straightforward description of. There’s not really much to add. It’s a guy that appears to be jacking off on a football field.

Some of my coworkers believe the video is fake. They’re Field Jack Truthers. I, however, am an optimist, and want to believe that video is authentic and that good things still happen in this world. (In my sick, warped mind this qualifies as a good thing because it makes me laugh, because lol the guy’s going to town tuggin’ on his peen.)

So what is the prosecution’s evidence that it’s fake? According to Ross, the video is fake because since it’s from a dating app’s Twitter page this must be some elaborate PR move by this app to get attention. They appear to be the first ones to have posted the video.

Suspicious? Yes. And their tweet is heavily, shamelessly hashtagged. But damning? Enough to convict? NO. The video could have been circulating in a group text and made its way to the owners of the this app’s account, who then tried to use it to their advantage. Or maybe they just happened to be at the game. Maybe the original poster of the video is as of yet undiscovered.

What does check out is the following: this video was almost certainly taken during the Raiders-Chargers game this past Sunday. The time of day appears to be the same, and the outfits the Chargers cheerleaders are wearing in the video match with what the San Diego Chargers’ Twitter account shows them to be wearing that same day.

Furthermore, like the masturbatees, the masturbater‘s uniform also appears to be what Qualcomm Stadium security wears.

The cheerleaders, field, and game time all check out. That being the case, there’s only one logical way this video was staged. The owners of this app (who are not from San Diego according to the app’s Twitter bio), got their hands on an Elite Security uniform, dressed up a friend or paid actor or God knows who, were able to sneak him onto the field, and then film him furiously yanking on himself without anyone noticing.

Either that, or this is an authentic video of a weird, creepy guy working at a job that likely isn’t very difficult for weird, creepy guys to get, and then said weird, creepy guy proceeded to do something weird, creepy guys do: jack off in public on the sly. And somehow, that video might have first made it into the hands of whoever runs this app’s Twitter account, though we still haven’t even definitively established that they were the first ones to post it.

Which sounds more plausible to you? I rest my case.

*Roll credits for “Rob Fox: Jerk Off Detective”*

Honestly I hope if the CIA ever needs someone to analyze a video of Vladimir Putin masturbating a CIA officer will turn to his partner and say, “Get me Rob Fox.” I think I earned it.

[via Twitter]

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