Looking for stories to write about today has sucked. It’s all election bullshit, and I’m over it. I’ll write about it if I have to, but I really don’t want to. I’m also on day two of what I pray is only a two day hangover after a brutally typical weekend in Baton Rouge. Mustering the energy or mental ability to write a column is a tall order this Monday.
So here I am, combing all my sources of news, hoping to find basically anything other than the election to write about and this is what I get. A South Carolina serial killer reviewing shovels and chainsaws on Amazon. Somehow, that is actually still better than reading another story about this godforsaken election, though. So let’s get into the creepiest thing you’ll read this side of Jared Fogle’s unpublished romance novel manuscript.
In case you were wondering, they found bodies buried on this guy’s property, so he knows a thing or two about shovel quality. That, for me, makes the shovel the big winner here for creepiest review. The lock review, though, seems equally rooted in reality, since a woman was also locked in a metal container on his property. Which… Jesus. The lock review goes on like this (via USA Today):
“solid locks.. have 5 on a shipping container.. wont stop them.. but sure will slow them down til they are too old to care. (sic)”
Yeah that’s what I needed to read today, a serial killer’s off the cuff analysis of how the quality of a padlock can slowly erode a human being’s will to live.
I’m going to go watch videos of puppies jumping into snow for the first time or something..