Sex Positions That Should Never Be Attempted

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There’s nothing wrong with getting creative in the bedroom. It keeps things interesting and you’re sure to make some girl somewhere very happy if you pick the right one. That said, popular culture seems to be diving deep into the What The Fuck vault hidden somewhere in You’re Shitting Me-ville to come up with ideas for sex positions. I don’t care if it was proposed under a different name in the Kamasutra several thousand years ago. If my penis has to perform feats of physical strength and acrobatic prowess that should win it several Olympic medals and a place in Cirque du Soleil’s next tour, it is either too dangerous or I am in the wrong line of work.

The Suitcase

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Image via Details.com

Packing for a business trip? Trying to give your girlfriend the business on said business trip? Then this position is for you, Mr. Future Patrick Bateman. Grab your walkman, plastic poncho, and Huey Lewis and the News cassette, because we’re about to party like it’s 1989. In case the image isn’t clear, you’ll want to first karate chop your girl so she’s folded up like a suitcase, at least according to the helpful image above. I recommend getting consent before all of this because it seems like this one could go downhill quickly unless you have a safe word or something. Supposedly, this position makes everything better for the girl, but the only thing I’m taking away from this is that if you have a flexible lady friend, you might be able to get away with stowing her in the overhead compartment the next time you bring her on a trip with you.

The Dancer

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Image via Details.com

This one has a number of variations by different names. However, all I am getting from this one is that you are precariously located inside a girl standing on one leg. If you lose your balance, or she loses hers, you will be spending your night at the ER explaining how you accidentally broke your dick to an ER tech. They’ll also need to take periodic breaks to go laugh at you in the break room with the rest of the ER staff. You aren’t a ballet dancer, and I know that because you like this website. Don’t try this one at home, even if you do have someone there to spot the two of you.

The Erotic Accordion

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Image via Cosmopolitan

Cosmo, other than giving girls really weird expectations for what we want out of sex (hint: not anything Cosmo suggests, ladies), is really bad at coming up with sex positions and corresponding names. The erotic accordion? Does anyone here remember when accordions were sexy? The exact date was never in the history of this universe or any other. Show me a man or woman who thinks the accordion is sexy and I’ll show you someone who has never seen someone of the opposite sex naked. The kind of person that gets rejected by internet porn is the kind of person that finds anything associated with accordions sexy.

The Arc de Triomph

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Image via Cosmopolitan

Cosmo is trying really, really hard to clean up and take the rest of the titles here home. First, the name on this one is misleading. No one is doing the limbo or making an arc of any kind, at least not like I’ve seen before. That said, no man without his last set of ribs removed is going to be able to pull this one off without tearing every muscle in his abdomen. Have you ever had your entire abdomen charlie horse at the same time? Well, thanks to Cosmo and your impressionable sex-crazed lady friend, you can now! If the position requires a recovery period similar to Adrian Peterson’s ACL injury, you should probably avoid it. Most professors won’t let you out of class for a “sex-related muscular injury,” at least not without telling your whole class the story.

The Passion Propeller

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Image via Cosmopolitan

Okay, fuck you, Cosmo. Now you’re just trying to make some poor, unaware guy snap his dick in half, wishbone style. In case you’re having a little trouble figuring this one out, you’re supposed to lay 69-style, but somehow get in the girl you’re with and still make the magic happen. This is the Titanic of sex positions. You can see disaster coming, you can warn all the involved parties, but when push comes to shove, there won’t be sufficient medical crew and lifeboats to save you. With this position, disaster is just around the corner, and it won’t take an iceberg to sink this ship. Do yourself a favor and don’t even set sail with this one in mind.

The Triple Lindy

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Image via The Frisky

Anyone see Blades of Glory? This thing reminds me of the Iron Lotus move they do which has a bad habit of routinely decapitating people. While the risk of decapitating yourself with this one is minimal, unless you have a weird ice skate shoe fetish, the risk of losing your grip, dropping the girl, breaking your dick, falling over and crushing her is astronomically high. This is the position for people who think things like:

“My sex life needs more potential to end up in a full body cast.”

“I haven’t been in excruciating and embarrassing pain nearly enough times in recent memory.”

and…

“I don’t have nearly enough stunts that should be reserved for the Iron Man contest in my bag of tricks in the bedroom.”

Also, I know half of you haven’t had sober sex in so long that the idea is completely foreign to you. Do you really want to try this while drunk? Sure, legendary stories would be told, but not the good kind — the kind that would earn the girl you are with a horrible nickname like “Bonerbreaker.”

If you are thinking of attempting any of these, don’t. For one, you would be enabling magazines obviously written by people who have only experienced sex through conversations with lots of giggling and things they read on Reddit. Other than that, you can get plenty creative without risking a late night trip to the emergency room and the most awkward presentation of a doctor’s note to a professor in the history of mankind. When it comes to good sex positions, keep it simple, but creative. If you need an engineering degree, several anatomy classes and a PhD in applied physics, it probably should be best left to the internet or shitty magazines in grocery store checkout lines.

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  1. GirthBrooks

    The “bonsai tank buster”. Get her spread eagle on the bed, get a running start in the hallway, jump, spread your arms like a plane, and yell “BONNNNNSSSAAAIIIIIII!!!!!!!” It’s a make or break.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 4 months ago
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