Sex Terms I Hate: “In Her Guts”

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You know you’re getting old when new sexual terms cease to be amusing and start to sound gross. I’m sure my great grandfather got a good laugh when one of his buddies talked about giving some flapper girl “a bit of the old in and out,” but a few decades later recoiled when overhearing a younger man talk about administering a “hot beef injection” to a fetching young nurse. So vulgar! So graphic! Hot beef?! That practically screams ERECT PENIS. That’s bathhouse talk! It has none of the understated nuance of “the old in and out.” Apparently I’ve already gotten to the point where I find certain new sex terms repulsive. Number one on that list is “Get up in her guts” and its several slight variations. I don’t actually know how new the term is, but it has become more prevalent in the last few years. Here’s the Urban Dictionary definition, which was from 2007:

I agree with the illiterate 47-year-old man who apparently provides Urban Dictionary definitions, it is a gross term. Also, be sure to buy your “Get in her guts” mugs and t-shirts, you guys. Or better yet, add a video. Anyway, not only is this a gross term, but it barely makes fucking sense. If you’re having sex with some chick you’re not “up in her guts.” You’re near her guts I guess, but still, shut the fuck up. I feel like this term was invented the morning after a trade school prom.

“Yo man did you get up in Holly last night?”

“Derrr, uh, yeah uhh I got like uhhh derrr up in that for sure. I got like SUPER up in that. Derr like, uhh, up in her GUTS… probably.”

How it progressed so far from there I have no idea. Aside from making you sound like an idiot, it makes you sound like a fucking creep, especially if you use it preemptively and say that you’re going to get up in some girl’s guts. That’s not something someone who is getting laid says, that’s something a serial killer says. “I’ll get up in her guts” sounds like it should be followed by “and lay in a hammock fashioned from her skin.” If you write an erotic note to your significant other promising to get up in her guts, don’t sign it, and be sure to use cut out magazine letters so that no one can trace it back to you.

As far as being creepy goes, the term isn’t any better in the past tense. Every time I hear someone say they “got up in her guts” I assume they’re a necrophiliac talking about how they fucked a corpse. That’s legitimately what it sounds like.

“Hey what’d you do last night?”

“Eh you know, drove out to a graveyard, got hammered, dug up some dead chick, made a slight incision in her abdomen and then just got ALL up in her guts.”

If you just threw up in your mouth a little bit, good, because that’s how fucking stupid and gross this term is. It could maybe, MAYBE, make sense if the sicko using the term is talking about anal. But even though it makes slightly more sense in that context, it’s also WAY grosser. I never want to meet the long dicked gentleman who prides himself on reaching colon.

I have faith that most people who read this site don’t say “up in her guts,” but then again you all talk about peeing in butts, so no, I actually don’t. If you say “I was up in her guts” or whatever, please stop, you’re an asshole. If you have a fraternity brother who says it then throw things at his face until he promises to stop forever, or tell girls he’s a necrophiliac. Please go cruise Urban Dictionary and find a new, less retarded sexual euphemism. Make some up in the comments, I don’t care, just stop the “in her guts” stuff, because saying it makes you sound like a horny Ted Bundy.

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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Bacon

Bacon is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. His fake best-selling novel series, The Frat Romance Novel, has been self-described as a "pioneering achievement in satirical erotica." Bacon is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co

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