Shamelessly Staring. TFM.
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I know the cliche is usually that a guy will invite a girl up to his room by telling her he has a fishtank, but I shit you not one time I was at a party and a girl asked me up to her room by telling me she had a frog in a tank. So I was like okay great, this girl is just being silly but really just wants to hook up, so I followed her up the stairs. We got to her room and it was kinda dim, clothes all over the ground, bed sheets messy, nothing unusual. She closed the door behind us, and since we were both tipsy and since I thought I knew what the game was I pulled her around and started making out with her.
Only she turned away. I looked at her kinda confused and she motioned to the corner. Then I saw for the first time that the reason the room was dim was because sitting beneath one of those bendy lamps was an actual fucking tank, with an actual fucking frog inside. It ribbited.
“His name is Jesse,” she said. I mumbled and tried to start kissing her again. It wasn’t happening though. “I want you to meet him.”
Turns out this girl actually wanted me to come up to her room during the middle of a party to see her stupid amphibious friend. I played along for a while, told her that it was cool, but the whole time I was trying to figure out if I should just Texas Tuck it and walk back down or keep trying to go for the gold.
Finally I had enough. “Listen”, I said, “did you really want me to see your frog or did you invite me up for something else?”
She looked up at me with a coy grin and shifted her shoulders back slightly so that her chest puffed out. I knew then that I was going to do anything to complete the mission with this chick. “Well,” she said, “I guess both. I like you and think you’re attractive, but no one gets to me without going through Jesse first.”
What the fuck, I thought. “What does that mean?”
She picked up the frog and held it up to me in cupped hands. I was pretty impressed because it didn’t try to jump or anything. She obviously knew what she was doing, but then she said “kiss it.”
“What did you just say?” I asked.
“I want you to kiss my frog. And whatever you do to him you get to do to me.”
Now I was losing my buzz at this point but I still had some of the weight left from my drunken blanket, and my groin was just pumping with fiery lust, so I thought fuck it, let’s do it. I bent over a little and gave the frog a peck on its forehead.
She giggled then closed her eyes and tilted her head back. I went to kiss her and this time she didn’t turn away. Awesome, I thought, and we made out for a little but I couldn’t help myself from getting a little handsy. I brought my palm up to cup and rub one of her tits but once I made contact she pulled away.
“No no no,” she said. “Remember, you have to do it to Jesse first. No one gets to me without going through Jesse.”
I didn’t even think frogs could have tits, but guess what, there I was in some strangers room at like one AM fondling the tiny teet on some frog named Jesse. I was fucking out of my element, you can count on that, but this chick was equal parts sexy and crazy and I just couldn’t help myself. And sure enough, she was true to her word, and I found myself with a nice handful of beautiful, bouncy flesh. My God.
Well, I won’t bore you with the rest of the story, but I will tell you I completed the mission that night. I scored the points. I broke through the finish line tape. And it was nice, I’ll tell you that, too. I haven’t been with a crazy number of girls but this one absolutely tops the list. By far.
I just wish these goddamned warts on my groin would go away already.
I love jokes where the punch line is “I just wish those goddamn warts on my groan would go away already”
Why aren’t you a writer for TFM? This may have been the best thing in a week.
It’s the best thing in since the last frat romance novel came out
Sounds like you had gay intercourse with a male frog. And they say I’M weird.
Nice set of dairy pillows on that object.
Looks like a face that could be very easy to punch
Why are you looking at the guy?
Theres a man in the picture?
Sweating profusely and looking like a mess but still getting laid. TFM.