Snoop Dogg Changes Name to Snoop Lion Because He Did A Lot of Drugs

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We’ve all been at that point in life where we take a pause and reflect. This reflection could brought on by an event, a thought, or really anything – be it big or small – that causes us to deeply scrutinize a belief or a behavior in our current pattern of thinking. Jules from Pulp Fiction calls it his ‘moment of clarity.’ Regardless of what the specific catalyst is that brings you to this moment, it is a motivating factor composed of philosophical particles of life-altering materials.

Snoop Dog’s ‘moment of clarity’ was absolutely nothing like this.

Snoop Doggy Dog – rapper, hip-hop icon, ho slammer, ugly motherfucker – has stated that he is entering into a time of transition in his life. The 40 year-old star spent over a month in Jamaica last February with his wife (is he seriously married??) where he spent his time smoking a shit ton of weed, meditating in Rastafarian temples, and no doubt smoking a shit ton more weed. Emerging from his narcotic-saturated vacation, Snoop-a-loop is claiming that he channeled the spirit of Bob Marley, and has recorded a soon-to-be-released Reggae album. Don’t call him Snoop ‘Dogg’ anymore either:

I feel like I’ve always been Rastafarian,” Snoop said of the spiritual Jamaican movement. While there, he said, he visited a temple, was renamed Snoop Lion and was also given the Ethiopian name Berhane, meaning “light of the world.”

I’m sorry, Snoop WHAT? Lion? What makes me hate this more than anything is that you also accepted the label of “light of the world.” You do know who the actual light of the world is, don’t you? I swear, if Snoop Lion is the coming of the Messiah, I’m getting off this ship. I’ll take my chances in hell. The only light you ever gave to this world was a Zippo to a bum who couldn’t light his crack pipe.

Snoop’s views on a lot of things have changed, including his views on guns:

It’s so tragic that people are doing stupid things with guns,” he said

It’s so tragic that you ever picked up a mic. Please bash yourself in the head with it.

Snoop also claims that he is ready to write music that is appropriate for his children and grandparents to listen to:

“As a 40-year-old man … I’ve got to give them something,” he said. “That’s what you do when you’re wise.”

There are aborted fetuses (feti?) that have imparted more wisdom than you. What kind of deadbeat fuckup waits till they’re 40 before realizing that they should be a role model for their kid?

In conclusion, while no longer dropping it like it’s hot, Snoop Lion is still just as spiritually irrelevant and as culturally parasitic as Snoop Dogg ever was. Sorry Snoop, you did not have any kind of Rastafarian incarnation, you did a fuck ton of drugs and hung out with a bunch of brain dead addicts who also did a fuck ton of drugs, and then you swallowed their bullshit stoned ramblings on the meanings of life. Then you did some more drugs, and after you lost enough brain cells, your drug-crazed mind spliced random lines from Bob Marley songs into a sort of montage of images in your head which you somehow took to be the absolute truth on life. Because you were high as fuck.

You were just high.

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