Hell of a whistleblower you are, Ed. That was the first thing we all assumed. Absolute power perverts, absolutely.
Good thing I always keep a hefty smokescreen of blue waffle pictures in the Photos tab of my iPhone. If some NSA perv makes it through that eye destroying gauntlet, he deserves to see my penis, and more accurately, my face photoshopped onto Greg Oden’s dick pic mirror selfie, because that’s usually what I send to women. For the rest of you amateurs, however, know that the good patriots over the NSA have seen your privates. All of them. This is according to Edward Snowden in an interview with The Guardian.
You’ve got young enlisted guys, 18 to 22 years old, they’ve suddenly been thrust into a position of extraordinary responsibility where they now have access to all of your private records.
Now in the course of their daily work, they stumble across something that is completely unrelated to their work in any sense. For example, an intimate nude photo of someone in a sexually compromising situation, but they’re extremely attractive.
So what do they do? They turn around and they show their coworker. And their coworker says ‘Oh hey, that’s great. Show it to Bill down the way.’ And then Bill sends it to George, George sends it to Tom, and sooner or later this person’s whole life has been seen by all of these other people.
It’s never reported, no one ever knows about it because the auditing of these systems is incredibly weak. The fact that your private records, your private lives, records of your intimate moments have been taken from your private communication stream, from your intended recipient, by the government without any specific need, is a violation of your rights.
Not going to lie, that is, , step by step, exactly what we do at the TFM office when a hot nudie pic comes our way, so I’m not going to sit here in judgment of the NSA. At least when they do something wildly unethical it’s still a byproduct of a useful, albeit overreaching, exercise. We’re just shameless sons of bitches pushing smut and reveling in our perversion.
This revelation shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, however. If it’s on your phone or your computer, it’s out there, and the NSA has seen it. If you have a flight simulator on your computer just go ahead and assume you’re under 24-hour surveillance. Somewhere, there’s a whole team of people who have made fun of something you jerked off to, over a chicken patty sandwich lunch in the cafeteria. Considering most people who play flight simulators are 50-something dads, let’s go ahead and assume that “something” is a picture of your daughter’s impossibly hot for her age friend in a bikini while on spring break. And to you, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, no sense in hiding your sick, twisted, German sexuality now. The whole NSA knows you’re into gimp orgies, or as the Germans refer to them, “missionary position.”
Whatever. Take all the nude pictures you want of me, NSA. Enjoy those. But if I find out any former NSA employees steal my book idea about a totally cool, but misunderstood, writer who finds out he’s a wizard, and saves the world while winning the heart of his beautiful, blonde neighbor who before then never paid any attention to him? Well, then I’ll just be furious.
[via Business Insider]