Some Old Guy Was Fingerbanging A Show Horse In Missouri (Allegedly)

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Nice Move

When you think of creepy old men, you tend to envision windowless vans, repurposed ice cream trucks with rear cabins that can’t be opened from the inside, the bad kind of shameless staring (because it’s at children), etc. It’s rare you hear about an old guy sexually abusing an animal, especially not a horse. I’m no expert but banging horses seems like a younger man’s game. But, at the age of 79, Lawrence Jones of Berkeley, Missouri, was feeling spry enough to give it a go with a show horse. In fact, this wasn’t Jones’ first encounter with the horse, as the two were having something of an affair apparently.

St. Louis County prosecutors charged Lawrence Jones of the 8100 block of Rector Drive on Monday with two counts of unlawful sex with an animal and one count of trespassing, all misdemeanors.

Bel-Ridge Det. Sgt. Chris Evenson said stable personnel at the Ace Riding Stables at 9115 Natural Bridge Road first saw Jones inappropriately touching the horse on March 31, but he escaped before workers could stop him.

Workers again spotted Jones inappropriately touching the same female horse on April 24 and cornered him until police could arrive, Evenson said.

Someone is going to have to explain to me how a 79-year-old man evaded capture. Clearly, the stable workers weren’t giving the chase their best effort, which is odd, because I feel like they don’t encounter many people worth detaining more than a horse rapist. I mean, I’d be going full throttle trying to catch the guy, just so I could boast that I captured a horse rapist. Talk about a pickup line.

“What did I do today, you ask, incredibly sexually attractive and surprisingly interested in me woman? Oh nothing really, just, you know, captured a horse rapist and brought him to justice. Why? Because I love animals, and hate rape. So, my place, or yours?”

That’s what you call a sure thing.

Jones disputes the charges, however, claiming that he was just inspecting the show horse’s vagina. That’s what they all say, Larry.

Jones admitted to police that he touched the animal’s genitals, but claimed that he had a history of working with horses and was examining the animal, Evenson said.

I guess I buy that. I mean, Jones doesn’t work at the stable, but he was just having an average Tuesday, saw some horses, and thought to himself, “I wonder how their vaginas are looking,” so he decided to sneak in and scope it out. Next thing you know there’s a BIG misunderstanding. Could happen to anyone.

One thing is for sure, Jones is a tender lover.

The animal did not appear to have been injured, Evenson said.

You have to treat a show horse with respect, even when you’re defiling it. Also, you don’t want to get a hoof to the dome while you’re trying to get your sick, sick jollies.




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