Some Crazy Lady Out There Hates Dad Bodies And This Will Not Stand

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Someone Out There Hates Dad Bodies, She's Out Of Her Mind

I’ve been attacked, guys. Someone — I don’t know who she is — has targeted me, you, and all other like-minded and like-bodied individuals across the country. This hostile assailant, known only by her alias “Is Vodka A Carb?” has targeted men of distinction everywhere. She thinks, and I quote, that dad bodies are “truly offensive.”

Now, before you hunt her down with torches and pitchforks, I want you to know that the author has done her homework. She says, in her opening paragraph, in fact, that the dad body is “a look that chicks are literally eating up.” You can’t argue with that. It’s simple science. Look it up. The numbers are out there.

After that bit of brilliance, her rant goes downhill quickly. She not only attacks the dad body itself, but the associated activity of beer chugging, and, dare I say it, the all-holy Hawaiian shirt. She even goes so far as to talk shit about chest hair. Chest hair, for fuck’s sake! Let me tell you right now, “Is Vodka A Carb?” This aggression will not stand.

Hell, I can’t be 100 percent sure, but I’m pretty sure she even calls out TFM. We are, for the record, the largest producer of Hawaiian shirt related web content out there.

Despite what you read in whatever sick publication you get your dating advice from, chicks do not find men who look like their fathers attractive.

Sick publication? Are you serious? We were called “the New York Times of blogs.” Look yourself in the mirror, ma’am. You’re writing for a site called “Betches Love This.” Can’t we all just get along?

I don’t know, guys. I just don’t like that we’re being called out for who we are. I’ve seen this trend all over the internet recently. It’s something like “healthy is hot.” Well, it should apply to everyone. We demand equal treatment. Check your fit privilege, ma’am. You can’t expect us all to be tall, handsome, and muscular, just as we can’t expect you to meet a manufactured standard of beauty. It’s unrealistic, it’s incorrect, and it’s unfair. I’m more than just a piece of meat. I am a man with feelings, hopes, dreams, and a very fine collection of Hawaiian shirts. Appreciate the beauty within (and the beauty of the Hawaiian shirt).

I don’t know about you, gentlemen, but personally, I’m not going to let this one detractor’s maniacal rant scare me into changing who I am. I’m going to keep being me. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Maybe betches don’t like the dad body, but the ladies worth going for do.

#YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts

[via Betches Love This]

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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