Did you know sororities are making Tumblr accounts? Oh, you did? Yesterday, after learning what a Tumblr is (apparently NOT a cheerleader anymore) I proceeded to “read up” on the sorority Tumblr war for three hours, locked in my apartment. These were passionate “reading” sessions. Candles were lit, Enya was played, forearms got cramped, pizza was slowly dipped in ranch dressing. So, in case you don’t know, let me explain. One sorority made a Tumblr account, because why wouldn’t it? Then, that account got posted to this site (along with other masturbation sites posing as “men’s lifestyle” sites) so another sorority said, “We’re just as hot as those bitches.” Before we knew it, another and another and another had the same idea, and now we live in a hot chick utopia of one-upping that we haven’t seen since the high school spaghetti strap wars. If you don’t believe me, please just take one look at the picture I asked the editors to use for this column. Yes, the hot chick with a chocolate banana. You know, because there’s nothing to see here–just your everyday girl at the Paradise Pier about to take down a long, hard, off-colored banana without chewing. That’s when I realized this whole thing is a street fight. This is about one thing: “My sorority is the hottest in the country.” I fucking respect the shit out of this.
We live in an Internet age built on bullshit. Nothing you see on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram is honest, and it drives me a little nuts. Life is so grand and great for everyone on social media, and that’s not real life. For every picture of girls dancing on tables, there should be a picture of a girl looking at her phone in horror because the “…” has been on the screen for more than an hour. And that never happens. We only see the happy moments, we only see the lies. These lies have hit new heights with Instagram. I’ve recently gotten more into the application, and I follow a lot of people who would call themselves “fitness models.” I follow them because they’re hot. I follow so many of them that it would be less awkward for me to open up YouPorn in line at the grocery store than it would be to open my Instagram. I’m no different than you, your fraternity brother, or your dad who can’t send a picture over email but is suddenly tech savvy enough to know who Jen Selter is. We are all following these girls for the same reason, and they know it. Yet, every now and again, there’s a picture of a motivational quote. Like these girls weren’t born genetically superior. Like they lost 100 pounds from doing crunches in their bedroom as they stared at a sign that said “be your best self.” No, that’s not what happened. They were born hot, they take nice pictures, and we follow them because we get boners. End of creepy story. Any time these girls try to veil photos of them looking hot as anything other than that, the world collectively rolls its eyes and it crushes the very real stance that there is power in femininity.
A quick story: my freshman year of college, my buddies had a radio show and it was supposed to be about sports. They ended up just talking about the Greek scene. They spent one episode ranking the new sorority pledge classes by hotness. I’m friends with a lot of the girls in the class that “won.” It still comes up. It’s not on their résumés or anything like that, but every now and then, one of them brings it up with pride as she winks and nods. It’s always been hot to me that they got it. They knew this was some stupid radio show that five people listened to, they got wind of the story, and they played it up for their own amusement. To me (and most guys) this is hot, empowering, and plain smart. They, like most sorority girls, got it.
That’s why this sorority Tumblr stuff is important today. It’s the most honest display of chick hotness I have ever seen on the Internet. There are no pictures of motivational quotes telling me about clean eating and how I can have anything I want if I just listen to my heart’s desires. There aren’t even pictures of girls building houses for ethnic children. Hell, if you didn’t see the title to the sites, you’d think they were called “Hot Chicks Having Fun Because They Just Literally Can’t With Puppies.” This is a pure display of the power of the female body. It’s something we often lie about and disregard as stupid and try to hide through titles like, “fitness model” and “fashionista.” It’s okay to be hot and to use that hotness for its every advantage. Hiding behind such obvious lies just makes the world take you less seriously. These girls aren’t naked and they aren’t even really being that salacious–they’re just being hot to show that they’re way hotter than the sororities at your school. And I’m standing up, in a T-shirt, wearing no pants, with a full boner, saying “bravo.”
Check out our new GIRLS tab, where you’ll find every Tumblr gallery, Rush Boobs column, and the new Sweethearts page that’s coming very soon.