It’s not every day a man can feel the dull scratch of cheap Korean cotton against his glistening fraternal loins. Even rarer are the moments when the true gentleman can cradle his supple tuft of top-tier chest hair with a brand that is both elegant and sold at a 95% profit margin. But fear not, my brothers in debauchery and tiny animal logos, those days of woe have finally come to an end. I present to you the fraternity man’s fraternity brand: Southern South.
“Just another fratty polo brand with ‘South’ in the title?” you might be thinking. You couldn’t be more wrong. Southern South is the physical embodiment of every Greek organization in our fair country. We just also happen to sell shirts for $82 a pop. Sure, the shirt itself only costs us a Lincoln to put together, but everyone seems to forget that those little animals don’t put themselves on these shrouds of utmost fratcellence.
Here at Southern South, we make sure every single logo is personally designed with Georgia cotton threads soaked in oak barrels filled with a 50/50 blend of Jack Daniels and Grizzly Wintergreen snuff. Next, we ship each shirt to Eastern Europe so we can have actual slaves hand-stitch each logo, just so we can get closer to that authentic Confederate feeling than any other clothier. Next we bring the threads of debaucherous joy back to the US of A, lay them on the steps of the Texas State Capitol for 24 hours, then we ship them off to the prosperous legions of poon slammers running each and every campus.
You might be wondering how we can keep such high standards for our brand. After all, what’s to stop hipsters and high schoolers from donning our gear in hopes of completing their fraternal dreams? I’m glad you asked, brother. For every single purchase on our website, we require users to upload a picture of their fraternity membership card in order to prove the customer’s authenticity. Are you a GDI that was “too cool” to get a bid? Get off of our website. Misplaced your membership card? Too bad, we won’t even let you buy a keychain. Pledging? FUCK YOU YOU SACK OF SHIT! Some say this is a terrible way to run a business. To those people, I say “Fuck you, geed.” We aren’t running a business. We’re running a Southern Frat Greek Badass Southern Empire. We’re so Southern that I had to say Southern twice.
For those worried about the quality of our products, have no fear. We know how much our clientele enjoys spending their parents’ hard earned money, and we have arrived at the perfect solution. Our products are of such poor quality that you can actually only wear them once before a massive hole exposes your genitals, nipples, or in some cases both. We like to call it “The Wildcard Effect.” When you live your life mere seconds away from an exposed dick and balls, you tend to make the most of every situation. We’ve had multiple reports of spontaneous mid dance floor blowjobs that arose from an aggressive erection tearing our 1” inseams to shreds. Does the idea of spontaneous blowjobs appeal to you? Of course it does, you tippity top tier motherfucking badass.
For those really looking to stand out come frat season: if we haven’t won you over yet, I think our new product will blow you away. For the first time in history we are pleased to announce that our fall line will include a pair of 0” inseam shorts. You read that correctly. Zero motherfucking inches. #SkysOutThighsOut? More like #HangOutWangOut. Or how about #FaintOutTaintOut. It doesn’t matter how you rock them, every sorority woman in town will be drooling over your creme colored undefined thighs of steel.
You sold yet? Ready to butcher the hell out of you father’s credit card? Keep an eye out because Southern South is coming to a website near you.
#SouthernSouth #FratSoHard #SHAMALAMADINGDONG