Finals are coming up, and maybe you’re not doing so hot. This semester was going to be different. You were so motivated! But it turns out you’re just not built for 16 consecutive weeks of academic achievement. It’s a shame, really, because things started out fine. You went all of September and October and only missed a few classes, but then Halloweekend bent you over behind a trailer and showed you the 50 states (or was it 51? My god, you’re dumb). At this rate, it’ll take $50 worth of Adderall just to limp to a C average this semester. The good thing is, we live in a nation that understands the value of the second chance, and you can use this to your advantage. Here are some Dos and Don’ts of starting over if your grades are face down in the gutter.
Do: Buy Adderall When Prices Are Low
If you find yourself sending that frantic “Need study pills” message on your group text the day before finals start, you’ve already lost. What you should do is stock up on everything you need in the first month of the semester, when supplies are plentiful and prices are low. Whatever you do, resist the urge to use Adderall for partying: it’s not that much fun, and it can be put to far better uses. If you find yourself with any leftovers after your finals are done, you can sell them off to the chumps that didn’t stock up ahead of time.
Don’t: Transfer To A Community College For A Semester
It sounds good in theory: switch over to a local community college for a semester to get your grades back up, then pick up right where you left off the next semester. But this has never gone well for anyone. What you’ll realize is that transferring schools is hard. Your unmotivated ass couldn’t pull a passing grade in your freshman level biology class, so what makes you think you’ll want to do all that transfer paperwork? If you do this, you’ll most likely finish out your “degree” at the community college before spending the next decade driving Uber and tending bar. Don’t do that.
Do: Switch Your Major
If you feel like you’ve hit a wall with your major, talk to a counselor and figure out if you can transfer any credits to a major that might be better for your stupid ass. It might set you back in the short-term, but could be well worth it in the end. Unless you pick any of the following, that is: anthropology, English, archaeology, philosophy, anything that has to do with helping other people, anything that has the word “political” in it, art history… Fuck it, I’ll just give this its own “Don’t.”
Don’t: Switch Your Major To Something Dumb
I switched my major to Writing and Rhetoric Studies this year. What the FUCK am I going to do with that? I feel like people who do this end up working at a tire factory for their whole lives, but the lack of tire factories in my area suggests that I’m shit out of luck. It’s easy for someone to say that I’ll find myself in a van down by the river, but vans cost money. I pick on other useless majors like Exercise Science and Gender Studies, but the only thing my Writing major will give me over those is a better suicide note. Fuck.
Do: Pyramid Scheme
Maybe book learnin’ just ain’t your speed, champ! Memorizing shit is hard, and with the way you’re going, you’ll probably be at it for seven years or more. But did you know that higher education is a total scam? Bet you didn’t. I’ll also bet you didn’t know that with an initial investment of $750, you can be your own boss and make more than all of your “educated” friends! I apologize for typing “Pyramid Scheme” up there, as this is a multilevel marketing empire that you can be a part of today. If you Venmo me that first seven fiddy, I’ll do the rest. I swear on my Writing degree..
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