I consider myself to be fairly self-aware, so occasionally I’ll get bored and Google my name and read all the nasty things people have to say about me. For the most part, they’re pretty funny, since I can tell the majority of them came from people over 40 that don’t understand current university culture, but occasionally I’ll find something hilarious, like this:
“I have never been so sure of anything in my life then the fact that this chick will let you put it in her ass.”
That’s hysterical! How can you not at least smirk after reading that? If you didn’t think that was at least amusing, then you have no soul and might as well go take a bubble bath with a plugged-in toaster. That little one-liner stuck with me so long that it’s inspired me to write this little diddy for guys on how to get a girl to let you stick your D in her B (that means “dick in her butt” for any angry elderly people reading this).
1. It’s Your Birthday!
This is obviously the easiest one, since it’s the only day of the year besides Christmas where you should be allowed to do whatever the hell you want…unless of course you’re a necrophiliac and wanna murder your girlfriend or something. Boning corpses is NF unless the body temp is still in the high 90s, which I’m guessing defeats the purpose (not that I would know). If my boyfriend came up to me with big puppy dog eyes and said, “Rebecca, this year all I want is for you to let me shit on your chest while I teabag your face and listen to Gay Nicki Minaj at the same time,” I would first internally question why I was dating him, and then remember that this is about par for my course (or so the internet tells me), and then I’d make him promise to take me out to dinner the week after, cover my bed in plastic sheeting, and then lay down with my eyes closed while pretending that I was somewhere more pleasant, like Rwanda or Guantanamo Bay.
2. You’re Not A Pornstar
Look, spitting in a butthole is NOT the same as using lube. Think of it as using water in your car instead of motor oil, which I’m pretty sure is a bad idea, but I’m not a friggin’ mechanic so don’t quote me on that. If you decide to go this route, one of two things will happen:
A. She will hate you for life.
B. She will hate you for life.
Basically what I’m saying is, stop reading this and go buy some KY or whatever you’re supposed to use. (Don’t ask me what to actually use. Do I LOOK like a doctor to you?) And no, using dish soap is not the same thing even though it’s slippery. If you try to do it with dish soap, she’ll be farting bubbles for a week straight. On second thought, use dish soap.
3. If Gross Shit Happens, Don’t Be An Ass
See what I did there? Anyway, disregarding the whole “you ripped my butt in half” issue, the second biggest one (I assume) would have to be, “But what if I end up shitting everywhere?” This is probably the scariest thing, mostly because I know for a fuckin’ FACT none of you guys would help clean up, and secondly, it leads to other horrible possibilities. What if he starts projectile vomiting after I crap the bed? What if I slip in it or something? What if HE slips in it and brings me down and then pukes in my hair and oh God, oh God, I just queefed on top of everything? This whole thing is basically a Tucker Max-esque prequel to SAW, only without the murder and with better dialogue.
On the chance that the perfect storm of puke, shit and vaginal farts happens, obviously don’t be like, “EW WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” If that happened to me, I would immediately go into Deranged Email Sorostitute mode and get my torture on in the same style as whoever the fuck is torturing Theon Greyjoy in Game of Thrones. I haven’t read the books, and let’s be honest, most people have no idea what’s going on and just watch it hoping that Daenerys Targaryen takes a bath at some point in the episode.
I don’t quite understand why, but for some reason I know some people that read this are going to think I’m being 100% serious and actually believe I think squirting dish soap up your ass is a good idea. If you’re one of these people, please do everyone a favor and refer back to the bathtub + toaster suggestion. Natural selection can work a little too slowly sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with hitting fast forward on your DVR.