Stop Eating Ass

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Nice Move

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“I don’t know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don’t let us fuck this asshole, we’re going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!” – Gary Johnston, Team America: World Police

Sunday night, while you were either watching the Golden Globes or doing something that wasn’t watching HBO’s Girls, you missed very cute actress Allison Williams leaning over a kitchen counter while someone (her boyfriend?) ate the taste out of her ass. It was a gratuitous ass-eating scene. He got in there deep and tongued her with vigor, causing her cheeks to jiggle a thousand miles an hour while she moaned with pleasure. In the kitchen, too! That’s not sanitary.

Click HERE to watch the NSFW clip in .gif and video form.

Of note, Williams’s father is very famous NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. Also of note, he’s managed to gain 209K Twitter followers without posting a single tweet. That’s really something. You can @ him all you want with your commentary about watching his daughter get her ass eaten on your TV, but it will fall on deaf ears, because B. Wills isn’t plugged in.

The scene from Girls made headlines due to the show’s popularity, as well as Allison Williams’s famed roots and rapid ascent to notoriety, but the actual visual aspect that was the eating of her butt wasn’t so shocking to modern America — not as shocking as it should have been, anyway. Why, though? Because we’ve seen it. Because we’ve been talking about it. Because it’s referenced in our favorite rap song. Because some of us have even tried it. Because eating ass has become mainstream.

It’s as if all the able-bodied heterosexuals in the country have finally realized it feels funny when their partner does stuff to their butthole. Then the experimenting began, then they told their friends about it, who told their friends, who posted about it on social media, and then it spread like a virus and thrust itself into popular culture. In one of her songs, Nicki Minaj mentions Drake and Lil Wayne eating her ass “like a cupcake.” Chris Brown posted a photo on Instagram of himself eating “da booty.” It’s even happening in the streets, in front of God and everyone, in broad daylight. Ass eaters are all around us, and they lack shame.

We’re in the midst of an ass-eating renaissance like we haven’t seen before, but this shouldn’t be happening. Eating ass shouldn’t be commonplace. Mentions of eating butt, rim jobs, or tossing salad shouldn’t be dropped in casual conversation without immediately being ill-received with scowls of confusion.

I implore you all: stop eating ass.

The above quote from Team America really doesn’t have anything to do with eating butt, but what it does do is perfectly and eloquently illustrate an important aspect of butt play, which one should remember if choosing to partake: shit. Imagine for a moment a world without sex. Sex doesn’t exist at all, in any form. We live our lives the same as we do now, only completely devoid of sexual desire, and sans sexual organs. Are you with me? Good. Now let me pose a question to you given this sex-free scenario: What is the absolute last thing you’d be inclined to lick with your tongue? In a game of Family Feud, the top answer on the board is absolutely the butthole, probably checking in at 68 out of 100 answers. The reason is simple. It is the place where shit leaves your body. Human waste. Feces. Poop. Shit. That’s its exit route every time.

Eating butt is inexplicably disgusting.

Let me paint another picture for you, this time in reference to the pornography industry. One thing I learned from sorority-girl-turned-porn-star Carter Cruise is that some dedicated preparation goes into her anal scenes. The planning is set in motion days before she arrives on set. She basically goes on an all-liquid diet as to halt the bowels. On the day of her shoot, she thoroughly cleans up before finally disrobing. By the time her scene partner(s) makes the plunge, it’s as clean as a dinner plate downstairs — or at least as clean as a dinner plate could get if there were a human asshole in the middle of it. Because at the end of the day, no matter how clean she is, or how awesome her butt is, it’s still a butt, and shit still leaves it on the daily.

Porn stars prep and clean down there like it’s their job (well, it is their job), but that girl whose ass you drunkenly ate last night on a freaky whim? I’m sorry to tell you that she ate Chipotle three hours prior and took a dump that morning. And you, well, you’re just nasty.

Image via Shutterstock

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