Stop Sharing Nudes, You Morons

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Nice Move

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Currently, I’m the subject of some not-so-nice exploitation. Some may call it blackmail; a violation of trust at the most fundamental levels. I am, of course, talking about the unwanted release of my sex tapes. Without going into too much detail, let’s just say my bedroom is similarly outfitted to the lair of Dennis Reynolds, except in my case, the women know about it. Thankfully. Anyway, I’ve got an ex who got (I’m hoping) extremely intoxicated and started that whole “remember the good times” shit, and, when I refused to answer, I got an unwelcome, and vivid, reminder of X-rated times past.

This heinous violation of trust got me thinking about a much larger, and more important issue: stop sending around others’ nudes to people they aren’t meant for. Look, we’ve all had bad breakups, and I’m the last person to sit here and claim I haven’t said shit I think back on now and cringe so hard at that I worry my face will permanently be frozen in a look of disdain — but this is getting out of hand.

Getting nudes is fucking great; I think we can all agree on that. It’s hot, it’s dangerous, and it’s fun. Now, I’ve never sent a “dick pic,” but I do have assorted clips of certain acts involving me floating around the cloud, or cyberspace, or simply the iPhones of the ghosts of relationships past.

But we’re about to be adults now. Adults that want to actually do shit with their lives. Sending around evidence of us in, well, let’s just say “compromising” situations, could be a huge problem for employers, families, current significant others, etc.

Perhaps more importantly, this culture of eroding privacy and the willingness to humiliate someone in the most personal way out of spite is killing the former wild west of uninhibited nudes for the rest of us.

All of a sudden I keep hearing how “nervous,” “scared,” “worried,” and “uncomfortable,” girls are with regard to sending nudes because “I can’t risk it ever coming out.” Screenshotting snaps is grounds for immediate blocking, and sex tapes requested to be deleted “as soon as we watch it once” has become the norm. It fucking blows.

Is it really worth it? Unless you split Kim K like the overstuffed bratwurst she is, fucked a tattoo on to Miley Cyrus, or titty fucked your way to Taylor Swift’s next album, does anyone really give a fuck? If you want to see a hot teen naked, google it. If you want to see some grainy blow job footage, the Hub has an amateur section with over a million hours of pure dick sucking. You couldn’t live long enough to watch it all.

So, just stop. I don’t care if she fucked your pledge brother, insulted your mother, spread rumors you had a small dick; even if she ran over the frat hound (you should respond in other, far more diabolical ways, anyway), do not send around her nudes. Just fucking don’t.

Is it legal? I don’t know — it’s a major gray area. It’s probably not. For high schoolers, though, we know it is. Sending out photos of someone under 18 could ruin your life forever. Ever heard of the criminal sex offenders list? You don’t want to be on it. Some states literally make you put a sign in your yard warning neighbors you’re a “predator.” Can make pulling pussy pretty fucking impossible.

From a more human level, legality doesn’t matter because it’s simply wrong. Sure, some women with daddy issues who are named after a day of the week are destined for the Hub anyway, but let them make their own perilous decisions. Don’t force their cascade towards $50 bukkake scenes. Let it come naturally (no pun intended).

If, as a society, we’d just stop this madness, we could go back to uninhibited snaps, videos, and pics. I don’t know about you, but I want to see random girls consensually masturbating while discussing the most unforgivable acts they’d like for me to perform, and vice versa, over snap video again. That’s the world I know and love, not this “what if you send it…” bullshit.

Getting nudes, stupidly filming sex acts, and soliciting women you hardly know (Read: Tinder) to send XXX content is as American as apple pie and being better than everyone else at everything. Let’s end this threat to our smut-ridden snaps, preserve our generational culture of irresponsibility, and frankly show some goddamn respect to the people trusting us (and whom we are trusting) with shit that is so inherently personal.

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