Study Claims Tequila Helps You Lose Weight, Doesn’t Tell You The Awful Truth

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There’s a new study out claiming that tequila can actually aid in weight loss. I didn’t read it. I didn’t need to. I’m sure the “study” claims that there’s some sort of chemical or vitamin or whatever in tequila that boosts metabolism or some crap like that. It’s a lie.

While I fully believe that tequila does help you lose weight, I do not for one second believe that you’re going to shed pounds by cooly sipping on two fingers of tequila from a tumbler like you’re Michael Imperioli starring in the most dishonest commercial of all time. No one cooly drinks tequila, 1800, okay!? NO ONE. Even the best tequila in the world goes down giving a firm middle finger to your uvula. And the worst tequila goes down kicking you in the back of the throat like a burro with robot legs wearing shoes made of old diapers.

What you can actually expect from the tequila diet is a weight loss regimen much more akin, in terms of stress and pain, to Stephen King’s “Thinner” than to the cheery efforts of a Weight Watcher’s commercial. Make no mistake, a tequila diet will help you melt away the pounds and provide you with plenty of exercise. But it will also kill you in the process. On a tequila diet, you will vomit up everything you’ve eaten, and then bile, and after that, layers of your stomach lining. Also, some blood. You’re liable to lose up to ten pounds in one sitting! The intense, spastic purges are a great abdomen workout, too. Assuming the violent convulsions from puking up a hefty serving of tequila don’t snap your spine in half, you’re going to be looking fantastic in the morning. Well, not your face–your face will look like it belongs to a meth addict who just survived a motorcycle accident, but your stomach will definitely be toned.

Also, drinking tequila will provide you with plenty of other physical activities to help burn calories, such as:

  • Fist fights.
  • Running from the police.
  • Walking in the wrong direction for nine miles.
  • Shaking, full-body cries.
  • Lifting and carrying heavy things that you stole for no reason.
  • Marathon sex with a regrettable partner.
  • Intense but ultimately fruitless masturbation sessions.
  • One quick, powerful sit-up that is actually just you shooting upright and awake in the morning because you’re scared and have no idea where you are.
  • Perpetually pulling yourself up off the ground after falling over.
  • Bodily decomposition from dying in a fight you started after walking nine miles in the wrong direction into a bad neighborhood and trying steal something heavy from someone’s lawn, because you drank too much tequila.

Yes, tequila helps you lose weight. So does crack. Maybe just have a salad and take a jog instead.

Here’s the article with all the lies, if you really want to read it.

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