Should I be taking pride in this? Doesn’t matter, I am. My hometown’s brew, the King of Beers, is number one in injuries caused. The King’s reign, it would seem, is a vicious one. Unfortunately for my wildly misplaced pride, this study can’t be taken too seriously. Make no mistake, it was conducted by a legitimate outfit, that being the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. However, the study was only a pilot study, meaning it was a preliminary foray into what will possibly become a wider survey. The statistics were only taken from one hospital in east Baltimore. In all, only 105 people who were surveyed had been drinking alcohol prior to their ER visit. The study’s authors agree that more data is needed to paint a clearer picture.
Whether or not they conduct a larger study, these results are still pretty funny. 15% of the respondents admitted to drinking Budweiser prior to hammering a nail through their hand, crashing their car into a minimart, attempting a kick ass jump, or whatever else they were doing before they came to the ER. If Budweiser makes sense at the top spot due to its sheer popularity, the adult beverage occupying the number two spot makes sense for entirely different reasons, mainly that it’s a demon brew that inspires wicked acts. Number two on the list, consumed by 14.7% of respondents, was Steel Reserve. While the actions that got Budweiser drinkers into the ER could presumably be described as “hijinks,” whatever landed the Steel Reserve drinkers there was probably more along the lines of “mayhem” or “anarchy.” I’m guessing those injuries were things like second degree burns suffered while lighting cars on fire, getting stabbed with a sharpened screwdriver, or taking RV shrapnel from a meth lab explosion.
The other top beverages were Colt .45 and Bud Ice, two more beers that inspire pure depravity.
I’m guessing if and when this study goes nationwide, you’ll be seeing Bud Light, Miller Light, Natty Light, and Keystone Light climb the list. Maybe Yuengling if a Philadelphia sports team has a particularly good or terrible year. Either that or Steel Reserve shocks the world, overtakes Budweiser, and proves once and for all that the beer is basically that symbiotic fluid from Spiderman 3 that turns Eric Foreman into the snake thing (and makes Tobey Maguire a gay emo guy) in a can. Pure evil.