When I first saw the title of this article, I was slightly confused. Whenever I abuse alcohol, I wake up in a bed surrounded by thousands of beautiful, single women (it’s a really big bed) after sleeping through all of my exams. Of course, I can’t satisfy all (read: any) of the ladies–my sexual stamina has often been likened to the flavor stamina of Fruit Stripe gum–but it’s still a pretty frat place to be. How was sleep deprivation going to get me into that scenario? I feel like I’d use the time I spent awake studying instead of drunkenly ordering a humongous bed and paying thousands of prostitutes to lie on it with me. Nevertheless, the results speak for themselves.
Losing sleep can have the same effects on your grades as binge drinking and chronic marijuana use, according to a new study published in the journal Sleep.
I have TFTC-induced dyslexia, and I originally read “journal Sleep” as “sleep journal.” I was really confused at this point. “How did PBS get access to my sleep journal?” I thought. I soon realized it did not, after I saw that this article was about a study on sleep deprivation and not the reoccurring nightmare I have where I’m on stage in my underwear singing Enrique Iglesias’ “Ping Pong Song” in front of an auditorium filled with Gary Busey impersonators.
They found college freshmen were more affected by sleep loss than upperclassmen. An analysis of the data showed that sleep problems alone predicted if a student would drop a class, even when controlling for factors such as chronic health problems, race, gender, anxiety, depression and work hours.
Researchers found that sleep problems had the same effects on students’ grades as binge drinking and marijuana use. But unlike drug abuse in college students, sleep problems have been overlooked, said Roxanne Prichard, PhD, associate professor of psychology, and lead investigator on the study.
What I gather from this study is that sleep deprivation, which is bad for the body, has the same (negative) effect on college students’ grades as binge drinking and marijuana use, two other acts that are detrimental to the body. Must have taken a real smart hombre to figure that one out.
I’m going to save the taxpayers some money here and list some other acts that have the same effect on grades as sleep deprivation, binge drinking, and drug abuse.
1. Getting shot.
4. Spending any amount of time around me.
Look, Ma! I’m a damn scientist.