Study: Is The American Breast Evolving?

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Even terrorists agree: tits are good. Almost all of them. Big ones, small ones, perky ones, pillow ones — they come in all shapes and sizes, and they aim to please. No matter the taste, there’s a tit out there for everyone. American ones are the best, unequivocally, even if the terrorists can’t admit to it. But they don’t know shit.

Tits, even being as awesome as they are, are somewhat of a mystery.

Here I was just enjoying the shit out of my Wednesday morning like I always do, sipping on my coffee, reading up on current events, and thinking about how cool boobs are and everything, when I received an email that made me pause and reassess life as I know it. The emailer brought something to the forefront of my mind that has been stowed away in a deep, dark place for quite some time, like down there hanging out with the memory of that one time in second grade when Scott Lancaster saw me behind a tree that was adjacent to the basketball court, and I was just knuckle deep in my right nostril, straight going after a stubborn boog with the ferocity of a bull shark on a wounded seal. Then, because he was a scumbag, he went and told the popular girls all grouped together by the jungle gym. I tried to forget that one, but here it is. Fuck Scott Lancaster. Anyway, the emailer raised a great question, and it’s one that I have been subconsciously curious of ever since I saw my first late ’70s movie titty.

Like the emailer mentions, I’m pretty certain that movie titty was from Animal House, and that movie titty belonged to the very attractive, yet stuck-up and pretentious bitch Mandy Pepperidge. She was fine, too, your prototypical American, blonde sorority girl. Mandy’s chesticles, although nice in their own right, don’t look like the chesticles of today, did they? They were kinda pointy, kinda cone-shaped. Hell, her sorority sisters’ late ’70s movie titties were also sorta cone-shaped. What’s going on with that? Why were they all like that?

Isn’t the 2013 version of the American breast rounder and fuller? Sure, many exceptions exist, but as a whole, the cone shape has seemingly become more of a rarity. Mandy Pepperidge showed us those high-and-tights in 1978, only 35 years ago. What has changed in that time? Is the American breast evolving? Is that even enough time for an evolution like this to occur? I’m not a scientist, or an anatomist, but I’m still gonna talk about it and try to come up with something. I think we all need to know.

Here’s the email I received:

Rodge, I’m watching Animal House with my buddies and we couldn’t help but bring up the topic of why old-school lung protectors are differently shaped than they are today. They’re more cone-shaped and it freaks me out. I don’t get it. Evolution, science, global warming? Put on your lab coat, help some fellas out and shed some light on this please.

Lap Salad

Well articulated, Lap Salad. Wait, Lap Salad?

Let’s figure this thing out.

The guys and I just held a ’70s titty groupthink exercise here at the HQ to discuss the cone-shaped perkies of old versus modern day hammers, and to throw some hypotheses against the wall to see what sticks.

Below are some of the theories suggested, and no, global warming wasn’t one of them, Lap Salad.

– advancements in modern nutrition
– the growing popularity of titty play in the sack (we let the intern sit in on the meeting)
– rapid evolution
– bra shape

We settled on bra shape. If you watch the aforementioned scene from Animal House, the one where Mandy Pepperidge sets her little cutters loose (which is why I can’t post or link it here), you’ll notice that not only are her breasticles shaped like a cone, but her bra is, too. And if your breasts are stuffed into a cone all day, being the malleable substance that they are, wouldn’t they assume the shape of a cone, as well?

Did we just put this issue to bed? I think we did. Where’s my damn lab coat? Titty Science, guys.

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