Stuff Frat People Hate: “Fraternities”

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Nice Move

Now, you might read this headline and think “What the fuck, first this guy tells me what to like and hate all the time, and now he thinks I should hate myself?” Relax, you insecure son of a bitch. I’m not talking about good old fashioned, American, booze hounding fraternities. I’m speaking of the significantly less fun (and less important) groups out there, that conceal themselves behind Greek letters like wolves in geed clothing.

First and foremost, you have the seemingly endless supply of professional “fraternities,” specifically for business or pre-law or students of literally any other major. Now I know many of these organizations have a fairly significant history (Delta Sigma Pi started in 1907 for example), but they are so innumerably far from the definition of a fraternity that it’s almost laughable. In a recent completely fabricated study, only .001% of Americans thought of one of these professional groups when asked the definition of a fraternity. It’s about time you all called yourself what you really are: a fucking club. If the sight of your letters doesn’t bring thoughts of blackout nights to a sorority woman’s eye, then you aren’t in the same category as us. Enjoy your bi-monthly meetings (free donuts and coffee!) and your astounding dues of $15 a year.

Any form of co-ed “fraternity” clearly fits this bill also. I’m no sexist (ha), but I know that the word fraternity stems from the Latin fraternitatem, meaning “brotherhood (useful if any of you are ever on Jeopardy).” Fraternities were built to strengthen the bonds of men, and while through the years many things have changed, you simply can’t have the same bonds and unity in a mixed sex environment. Especially if any of the girls are attractive.

Finally, there are the IFC chartered houses…that actually lack a house. I’m sorry, but if your brotherhood consists of 15 rejects who deliver rush in the student union, you missed the point. The only acceptable excuse for not having an actual house is that it was recently lost as a punishment for a 14 keg, stripper populated, cocaine buffet party (if that’s the case, frat on sir). If you can’t swing a single social and your date functions are at Golden Corral, you might as well change those letters to “ΓΔΙ.”

You guys obviously get the point by now. Any club who considers a “social event” an ice cream mixer in an auditorium simply does not deserve to hold the title of fraternity that we cherish so deeply. I don’t give a quarter-fuck how old the group is, or how enshrined in history they may be; it is 2011, and today “fraternity” means a group of men who get their balls hazed off, then spend the next 7-16 semesters skirting the line between “socially acceptable” and “holy shit, that kid might die of liver poisoning.” Anyone else is just in denial.


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