Stuff Frat People Hate: “Fraternities”

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Now, you might read this headline and think “What the fuck, first this guy tells me what to like and hate all the time, and now he thinks I should hate myself?” Relax, you insecure son of a bitch. I’m not talking about good old fashioned, American, booze hounding fraternities. I’m speaking of the significantly less fun (and less important) groups out there, that conceal themselves behind Greek letters like wolves in geed clothing.

First and foremost, you have the seemingly endless supply of professional “fraternities,” specifically for business or pre-law or students of literally any other major. Now I know many of these organizations have a fairly significant history (Delta Sigma Pi started in 1907 for example), but they are so innumerably far from the definition of a fraternity that it’s almost laughable. In a recent completely fabricated study, only .001% of Americans thought of one of these professional groups when asked the definition of a fraternity. It’s about time you all called yourself what you really are: a fucking club. If the sight of your letters doesn’t bring thoughts of blackout nights to a sorority woman’s eye, then you aren’t in the same category as us. Enjoy your bi-monthly meetings (free donuts and coffee!) and your astounding dues of $15 a year.

Any form of co-ed “fraternity” clearly fits this bill also. I’m no sexist (ha), but I know that the word fraternity stems from the Latin fraternitatem, meaning “brotherhood (useful if any of you are ever on Jeopardy).” Fraternities were built to strengthen the bonds of men, and while through the years many things have changed, you simply can’t have the same bonds and unity in a mixed sex environment. Especially if any of the girls are attractive.

Finally, there are the IFC chartered houses…that actually lack a house. I’m sorry, but if your brotherhood consists of 15 rejects who deliver rush in the student union, you missed the point. The only acceptable excuse for not having an actual house is that it was recently lost as a punishment for a 14 keg, stripper populated, cocaine buffet party (if that’s the case, frat on sir). If you can’t swing a single social and your date functions are at Golden Corral, you might as well change those letters to “ΓΔΙ.”

You guys obviously get the point by now. Any club who considers a “social event” an ice cream mixer in an auditorium simply does not deserve to hold the title of fraternity that we cherish so deeply. I don’t give a quarter-fuck how old the group is, or how enshrined in history they may be; it is 2011, and today “fraternity” means a group of men who get their balls hazed off, then spend the next 7-16 semesters skirting the line between “socially acceptable” and “holy shit, that kid might die of liver poisoning.” Anyone else is just in denial.

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StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co

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    • 1
      HazesWithWolves

      Most professional schools don’t try to rep themselves as actual fraternities. Nothing wrong with a group of people getting together for furthering their interests.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  1. 3
    BROwnOutOfProportion

    Actually, I think it would be unfair to call members of some of these organizations NF. Delta Sigma Pi actually has a house at UGA and, coed or not, they rage pretty hard. I joined Phi Alpha Delta senior year because they had access to useful resources for future law students, but it turned out to have plenty of other fraternity men and sorostitutes, both active an inactive. We all raged hard together, had socials and tailgates, etc. It didn’t compare to my social fraternity, of course, but I think it would be unfair to refer to members of these organizations GDIs.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  2. 2
    DirtySouthern

    Yeahh. It just didn’t seem right when this chick told me she was in a choir fraternity. I thought she had a penis and sang opera while intoxicated. Which actually would be cooler than what they really do; just stand around in an empty room.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • -11
      findemfuckemforgetem

      Yeah this guy told me he was in Phi Mu Alpha and I was like “Oh where is yall’s house located?” He was like we don’t have a house. I was like oh so you’re a joke, I get it. Yeah turns out they have band fraternities and all kinds of stupid shit. I didn’t know about all of those at first. I just love when your sitting in class and you can hear them talking about their “fraternity” in class.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  3. 2
    12_gates

    Farmhouse and FIJI are actual fraternities but they just cant have letters which is kinda gay but i still a little respect for them

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  4. 2
    ChiPhrat

    a lot of the brothers in my fraternity are also in the business “fraternity” at my school….thoughts? i mean i guess its good for networking…

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
    • 0
      BrotherOmicron

      In all honesty it may be viewed as “NF” because they are using letters they didn’t earn but if that’s what they share an interest in good for them.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago
  5. 0
    booze haze slam

    I thought he spoke the truth for the most part. I do expect better from older schools pre 1900. I am not saying fraternities after 1900 aren’t good I just don’t care for them.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

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