Summertime, but the living’s anything but easy. During the school year, it’s kosher to only go out 3 nights per week. Do that May through August, though? You’re considered a rule following Puritan/Mormon hybrid code of conduct-ass narc. Subsequently, you feel the peer pressure to hit the town every single night pushing down on you. Rather than standing your ground, however, you give in with little to no resistance. Did you learn nothing from D.A.R.E?! And not only do you acquiesce like a hiveminded maniac, but you then proceed to pressure others to ditch their responsible plans and go out like you’re some sort of alcoholic zombie who infects everyone his cigarette-scented breath touches. You’re not a bad guy, though; you’re just your average guy living in his fraternity house over summer.
All that drinking you’re up to yields you minimal time to take a step back and realize that your summer could actually be even better. Lucky for you, I’m relatively sober right now and have compiled a list of 8 fraternity house summer essentials on which you should heavily consider spending those soggy dollar bills in your swim trunks.
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Set this puppy up in the front yard so all the Greek row hunnies can see the atrocious hitch in your swing that you refuse to correct despite numerous teaching pros telling you it “will almost certainly cause you back issues down the line.” This 4-in-1 training kit lets you practice all the cool parts of golf — ripping drives, sinking chips, and puring irons — with none of that lame putting BS. The fraternity next door you always hit golf balls at will thank you (not that you’ll care).
If you live in a real fraternity house (i.e. one without central A/C), you either are already passionately in love with your window unit A/C or are just now realizing you need one ASAP.
And yeah, I bolded with remote control. Why? Because when you wake up too hungover to move in a mattress that is so drenched in sweat it resembles a water bed while yielding zero of the benefits of actually being a water bed, the ability to remotely turn your A/C unit up to full blast is invaluable. Speaking of water beds…
If you tell me you’ve never wanted to be a water bed guy, I’d respond with a rather rude quip that centered on the notion that I think you have bad taste. BYOWater.
300 Advil should last you all summer. Again, BYOWater. And drinking straight from the water bed because you’re too hungover to get to the nearest sink, while hilarious, is not recommended.
A true summer diet consists of so much grilled meat that your carbon levels experience a noticeable rise. This grill can handle all your summer grill-out needs and is also portable for when you want to (have a pledge) pack it up and take it to the tailgate lot come fall. Two birds, one stone, plus two more birds on the grill getting a nice char.
There’s probably a rusted out grill kit in your house’s storage closet somewhere, but personally? I’d prefer not to use that non-name brand POS because lead poisoning doesn’t sound fun and also because doing so means risking flipping your burgers with tongs that have touched 1+ pledges’ taints. Can’t go wrong with Cuisinart.
The Cadillac of affordable portable speakers with a billion uses (karaoke included), this powerhouse will let you listen to TFM’s porch jams playlist rain or shine — though obviously the latter is preferable.
All you should need in order for me to convince you to buy this item, which will instantly turn your fraternity house into the go-to summer day drinking destination in the eyes of every sorority on campus, is right here..