Summer Olympic Events Ranked From Most Watchable To Least

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After the opening ceremony on August 5, we’ll be blessed with two and a half weeks of 24/7 media coverage of the games in Rio. The International Olympic Committee shuffled the regular slate of events and brought back a couple sports this year, which they seem to be doing more and more. In 2020 they’re considering adding baseball/softball, surfing, sport climbing, roller sports, and karate. Bowling, wakeboarding, squash, and wushu missed the cut. I don’t know what wushu is, either.

Let’s break down what we’ve got this year by how likely you are to watch it:

Definitely

1. Golf

Bringing golf back certainly takes the sting out of the fact that our athletes will probably die from dysentery.

2. Swimming

When it comes to the pool, Team USA is the most decorated program in the world. As if that wasn’t enough, Michael Phelps finished all of his coloring books and came out of retirement to become only the second American swimmer to compete in the Olympics five separate times.

3. Women’s Beach Volleyball

May-Walsh. You already know.

4. Table Tennis

I think being Chinese is an unfair advantage when it comes to table tennis, but hey, they put on a good show.

5. Handball

It’s like some fucked up version of four-square, I think. Love it.

6. Track and Field

I’ll be honest, the only reason I watch the track and field events is so I don’t miss someone getting hit with a javelin.

7. Gymnastics

Huge plus if you’re a guy out there with a fetish for girls slightly under 5 feet tall.

8. Shooting
9. Water Polo

Just in case someone drowns.

10. Badminton
11. Basketball
12. Diving
13. Rowing

I Mean, I Guess

14. Weightlifting

In London, Kazakhstan earned four out of their five gold medals in weightlifting. Putting all your eggs in one basket is aggressive, and I respect that.

15. Archery
16. Canoeing
17. Cycling
18. Fencing

I maintain that it would be more exciting if they fought with actual swords.

Probably Not

19. Tennis

I have the tennis channel. I’m white.

20. Synchronized swimming

Hard pass.

21. Judo / Taekwondo

You could really just watch a Steven Seagal movie instead.

22. Modern pentathlon
23. Boxing
24. Sailing
25. Triathlon

Absolutely Not

26. Wrestling

Brings back too many memories of sleeping over at my Boy Scout troop leader’s cabin.

27. Equestrian

Horses are too large of an animal to be trusted.

28. Soccer

No.

29. Field Hockey

In the words of Jay Cutler, “DDDDDOOOOOONNNNTTTTTTTT CAAAAAAARRRREEEEEEEEEEE.”

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shitto is a fifth sixth year and perpetual disappointment. He spends his time posting drivel online, waiting to be consumed by overwhelming apathy. The only thing of value he has ever given the world is a collection of old tweets. He's been called a "jealous hater" and an "idiot."

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