Super Boozeday: A Timeline of Election Day Raging
10:00 AM Awaken. Briefly contemplate attending morning class. Say “Fuck It,” because today should be a National Holiday. Fall back asleep while blaming the “liberal commie fucksticks” for this injustice.
12:00 PM Awaken when fraternity brother throws Budweiser AmeriCan at your testicular region. Have brief moment of victory for outsleeping last night’s hangover. Promptly shotgun aforementioned beer.
12:01-12:05 PM Notice large half eaten Buffalo Chicken Pizza in room leftover from the previous night’s debauchery. Spend 2 seconds deciding if it’s been contaminated. Convince yourself you have a superior immune system from your alcoholic lifestyle. Eat lukewarm pizza.
12:06-12:15 PM Shower beer. Singing National Anthem while showering optional, but encouraged.
12:16-12:18 PM Choose appropriate American-as-fuck apparel to compliment your abundance of patriotism.
12:19 PM Congratulate self for filling out absintee ballot early (the only thing you’ve turned in ahead of schedule in your entire collegiate career), decide to spend time saved from waiting in line on an intensive series of liver injustices.
12:20-1:00 PM Assemble large group of fellow daydrinking enthusiasts. Enjoy multiple tallboys on frat castle roof while yelling “Mitt’s the Tits!” at nearby pedestrians.
1:01-1:05 PM Scrape shit out of knee getting down from roof. Have wound unexpectedly cleaned by pledge brother, with warm plastic-bottled tequila. Fight through the burning sensation of death in attempt to punch pledge brother.
1:06-2:00 PM Take semi-drunken voyage to local grocery store. Purchase body weight in various red meats.
2:01-2:30 PM Spend exorbonent amount of time in liquor store deciding exactly which brand of whiskey is the “most American.” Settle on handle of Jack Daniels, grab mixers (bag of ice).
2:31-4:00 PM Subtly drink whiskey out of McDonald’s cups outside of nearby voting precinct. Hand out flyers to every likely Obama fan explaining that “Obama supporters’ voting privellages have been extended until Wednesday due to Hurricane Sandy.”
4:01-4:30 PM Blatantly steal or destory every Obama/Biden sign in a 4-mile radius.
4:31-5:00 PM Ritualistic burning of hijacked Obama signs in fraternity house yard. Play “God Bless the USA” on repeat.
5:01-5:30 PM Alternate yelling at pledges’ meat grilling ineptitude with chugging mouthfuls of sweet Tennessee whiskey.
5:31-5:45 PM Shovel down large plate of high quality American protein. Ignore vegetables and other food groups. Vegetables are for liberals.
5:46-6:00 PM Discover secret stash of fireworks in fraternity house basement. Exhaust half of the supply firing mortars at your neighbor rival house. Save second half for Romney victory cascade.
6:01-6:59 PM Prepare election results viewing area. Assemble 51 beers per person for each member of the Electoral College. Ensure pledges are nearby (but not in the same room, of course) to cater to your every whim.
7:00-7:15 PM Shotgun beer in large group to celebrate more and more polls closing. Eagerly await election results.
7:16 PM Announce (the extremely simple) Electoral College drinking game rules to group. Chug beer triumphantly every time Romney wins a state, and guzzle whiskey mournfully every time Obama wins one. Realize your night could go one of two ways, but that both involve enough alcohol to make rawdogging Snooki seem like an acceptable idea.
If Obama Wins
7:16-12:00 AM Feel impending sense of dread as you gradually begin drinking less and less beer and more and more of the sorrowful sips of whiskey. As BAC elevates, allow sorrow to turn to furious rage, and contemplate building an apocalypse-proof shelter. When Obama is declared mathematically victorious, break a nearby piece of furniture. Rampage through fraternity house, chuckle mildly as pledges run in fear from your liquor-bent stampede.
12:01-12:15 AM Make way to nearest Greek bar to drown sorrows with peers. Depressingly shuffle through near silent establishment, and order bartender to “keep them coming.”
12:16-1:15 AM Conclude that there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make this defeat go away. Proceed to black out violently.
1:16-5:00 AM You will never remember.
5:01 AM Come out of blackout shirtless laying down on fraternity house lawn. Notice red “Mitt’s Still the Tits” words written hastily across chest. Find nearest indoor flat surface and pass out in defeated slump. Dread waking up in the morning.
If Romney Wins
7:16-12:00 AM Spray beer accompanied by victorious yells as the image of the United States on TV is consumed by red. As Romney becomes the certain victor, assemble mob to storm campus while enthusiastically chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” Bring handles of whiskey and fireworks, using both in the most obnoxious manner possible.
12:01-12:15 AM Scatter to evade campus police. Refuse to abandon handle of liquor despite the obvious risks. Barely avoid multiple tazings.
12:16 AM Regroup with the Romney/Ryan faithful at nearby Greek-dominated bar.
12:17-1:00 AM Pound ungodly amount of shots as “Mitt’s The Tits!” chants alternate with patriotic music blaring heavily from jukebox. Have several identical drunken conversations about how the hope for America is saved. Start “Keep the change!” chant at bar. Begin to veer towards blackout.
1:15 AM Black out as you share tequila shot with a large breasted attractive blonde.
1:16-7:59 AM Who the fuck knows.
8:00 AM Awaken naked groggily in Lily Pulitzer adorned room, to smell of slammingly hot blonde frying bacon. Realize that the Obama nightmare is over, and all is right in the world again.