Surfer Gets Bitten By Shark, Tracks Shark Down, Kills It, Now Plans To Eat The Bastard

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Nice Move

Surfer Kills Shark

This is how human beings got to the top of the damn food chain.

Most all other manner of earth’s creatures are content to essentially let their old men and women, their stupidest and most helpless children, and their cancer patients be ripped to shreds by ruthless predators so that the strong and beautiful can survive (and you think human beings have discrimination issues?).

“WOLVES! EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Oh wait, wait. Phew. They’re eating the autistic girl and her grandfather with Alzheimers. Ha! Thank God those two idiots were wandering around, am I right? We could’ve lost Kristin and Rachel back there. Anybody wanna hit the watering hole?”

Mankind doesn’t play it like that, though. We go out there and take swift, cold revenge. I’m not sitting on my ass today, deciding which taco place to eat at and worrying about Mizzou’s next football coach because our prehistoric ancestors didn’t go murder the absolute shit out of that saber-toothed tiger they heard growling in the bushes outside their cave. Instead, they grabbed their spears and their axes and they said, “Let’s go jacket shopping, motherfuckers.”

At least, that’s what I gleaned from the anthropology class I routinely skipped or slept through junior year.

But it would seem humanity’s hardwiring is still much the same as it once was, based on this surfer bro who was attacked by a shark off the coast of Florida and decided to take revenge on it by killing it and eating it.

From the Sun Sentinel:

A shark, perhaps confused by rough and murky seas off Singer Island, latched onto a surfer’s left hand Sunday, sending him to the hospital for stitches.

A day later, in a bizarre ritual of revenge, the surfer and his young son caught and killed the shark he claimed had bitten his hand.

In the Sunday incident, Allen Engelman, 28, a commercial fishermen from Jupiter, was lying on his board and paddling to the wave break when he felt something grab his left hand. He described it as a seven-foot spinner shark.

“I could feel his teeth biting into me,” he said. “He was pulling on me with a lot of power. With my right hand I grabbed his pectoral fin. He was tugging on my hand, and I was tugging on him and he let go.”

Because of the shark bite Engelman needed fifteen stitches… and revenge.

Engelman returned to the beach at Ocean Reef Park on Monday to exact vengeance. He helped his 5-year-old son Greyson use a fishing pole to catch a shark from the beach.

“He’s getting revenge on the shark that got my hand,” he said, as Greyson pulled hard on the pole. After dragging the writhing shark into the surf, they put a rope around its tail and hauled it onto the beach. It wriggled, weakened and stopped moving.

Engelman insisted it was the very shark that bit him, saying he could recognize marks on its fins.

“Now that we got the shark that bit my hand, we’re going to filet it and we’re going to eat it,” he said.

This is some Patrick Swayze in “Point Break” stuff, except instead of using a fishing pole Swayze would’ve paddled back out there and killed the shark with a pick he uses for scaling glaciers or something. Regardless, this is how a badass operates.

Engelman’s Instagram of the shark is nothing short of glorious.

Chew on that mother fucker. #surfbum got bit.

A photo posted by Allen Engelman (@redshad87) on

It’s also a pretty much literal instance of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” since the surfer survived the shark attack and, now, through eating it and gaining nourishment, will grow stronger.

Humans FTW.

As an aside, I originally found this story on The Huffington Post and, in part of a description of the video above, the Huffington Post writer said the following (emphasis mine):

It’s legal to catch spinner sharks from shore in Florida, as long as they are longer than 54 inches, according to the Palm Beach Post. Regardless, it’s difficult to watch the shark struggle as it is pulled from the water.

Good God. Is this how far some websites have to go to coddle their readers’ extreme liberal sensitivities? No, it’s not hard to watch. It’s a fucking fish dying. That’s the exact same way all the sushi you eat dies. Get over yourselves. You are not better people for finding this video hard to watch, you tools.

[via The Sun Sentinel/The Huffington Post]


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